All The Men I've Loved

Hey, if you want to come to the other side...

2010-12-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

My full blog is elsewhere. If you want an invite leave me a comment here with your email address (I won't post the comment).

Yours faithfully,

Blue

I am No Fashionista, But I Know What Looks Good

2010-03-30T23:55:00.002-06:00

By special request, I am making this post public. If you want the back story (or any other story) you will have to subscribe to my other blog.

Men, this post is for you. And ladies, if you agree with me please say so, because some of the men who are guilty of these fashion faux pas may not believe me. At the tail end of this post are some pics to give you an idea what I am talking about.

First if you are a little heavy (or obese like El Bloberino) there are certain things you should never do:

1. Never wear a shirt tucked in. It accentuates your blobby belly. It frightens us when we see a prominent gut hanging over your pants. It frightens us and we want to look away. Instead, find a nice T-shirt that you can wear out or a nice button-down that has an appropriate hem-line for hanging out. Trust me. This looks way better then tucking in the shirt!

2. Please don't wear polo shirts. This makes you look old and way too conservative. Again, stick with a nice T-shirt or button-down that is fashionable. And please iron your shirt before you go on a date with us.

3. Never wear a belt with your shirt tucked in if you have a gut. This looks awful. First of all, if a man is going to pull off a belt at all, it should cut across his mid-section parallel to the ground. If your belt line cuts across and angles up in the back, this looks terrible. It makes your butt look like it starts at your lower back. Girls do NOT like this at all. If you are going to wear a belt, wear it under your shirt that is tucked out. On the other hand, if your belt is successfully parallel to the ground and is not hidden under your belly, you can wear cool belts all the time. This looks good with any outfit. But follow the rules on the belt wearing please!

4. Avoid light colored jeans. Avoid jeans that are high-waisted. This is a must for all people everywhere actually, including women. Light colored, high-waisted jeans just make your butt look bigger. They are not attractive at all. They are very 80's and out of style. Instead pick a pair of modern jeans, with a lower rise, that are dark denim. This is much more attractive – even on men who are a little heavier.

5. Please don't ever wear pleated pants. Never never never. Please. These are hideous and make you look fat. If you have to wear these for work (which you don't have to, because you buy your own work clothes, right?) please change into a nice pair of jeans or pants that are flat in the front before you go on a date with us. Pleated pants are old fashioned, unattractive, too conservative, and just don't look good at all. At all. Not even at work. Seriously.

6. Wear a nice pair of shoes. They can be sneakers if they are nice - not fresh -white-just-off-the-shelf sneakers. I mean sneakers which look cool. Please stay away from work boots, hiking boots, tennis shoes or old ratty shoes on a date. Please.

7. Please avoid styling your hair like a conservative republican or Mormon. Even if you are a conservative republican or Mormon we don’t want you to look like one. This means don’t part your hair down the side and brush it over like your mom did to you when you were 5 on picture day at school. This is a very uninteresting hairstyle for men. Look at all male celebs – they have nice fashionable hairstyle. So can you.

8. The worst offenders do all of the above at once. You know who you are.

Men, when you care about your appearance it impresses us. Especially if your physique is not perfect. We like men who know how to dress and make the most of their appearance. We do it for you, can you do the same for us?

Here are some examples of Do's and Don'ts:

As you can see in the above picture, so many things are wrong here. Big gut, accentuated by a belt and a tucked-in shirt. No no no! AND high-waisted light colored jeans???? This is never a good uniform for any occasion. Just throw it away.

Now do you see what I mean about pleated pants??? And the belt that cuts at an angle up to the back??? And the polo shirt to boot???? Men. Come on. You can see this isn't a good look, right? Please stop!

Now we're talking. This man is heavier than the average man and knows how to dress. A very nice button-down that is meant to wear untucked. This is perfect even if you are a skinny little guy.

Gerard knows how to rock a white T, cool jeans and baseball cap. A+. If a man showed up on a date with me looking like this, I would love it. I would be impressed that he knows how to dress casual and still look great.

This is Andrew Garcia from American Idol. I really like his style. Graphic, cool T's with a nice pair of jeans, a belt that fits correctly and even a chain. I love his beanie cap. The only thing I would change would be the color of his jeans. I would make them darker.

Justin is giving a great example of how to be casual and look awesome. Dark, low rise jeans. A belt that is parallel to the ground. And of course a perfect ensemble of T and cardigan. This is a great look for a date.

Johnny is awesome and full of interesting style. Here is he toned down but I like the simplicity. Nice dark blue jeans and a simple black T with a properly worn belt. You can't go wrong with this.

I am in love with Hugh. Anyway, this is a good example of a nice button-down worn out with a nice pair of dark jeans. Casual. Perfect. Sexy.

This is what I mean by a cool pair of sneakers. These are made by Steve Madden. Men, there are so many cool shoes in the world that are casual, comfortable, and look great.

Please. Try out some--if not all--of these tips on your next first date. I would bet you one million dollars your girl will be impressed.

To Any New (and Old) Readers

2010-03-24T21:35:00.003-06:00

I have moved to a new site which requires a personal invitation (from me) if you would like to read everything that has happened since Lestat.

If you would like to subscribe to my new blog, please leave me a comment here and don't forget to put your e-mail address in the text of your comment, otherwise I can't send you an invite!

If somehow I have missed you and neglected to send you an invite that you already requested, forgive me and leave another comment here. I will take care of you from there.

I will not post your comment with your email address, have no fear.

Jonathan - I would love to add you, but I need your email address!

Your forever faithful,

Blue

To PAGuy

2010-03-22T17:20:00.003-06:00

**You have to manually type your e-mail address in a comment for me to be able to send you an invite***

Hi new friend! You didn't leave me your e-mail in your note...so send me another comment with your e-mail in the text (which I will not post) and I will send you an invite.

For the rest of you - if you want an invite to my new blog, let me know. I will be happy to add you. Leave me a comment here with your e-mail address and I will take care of it from there.

Thanks for reading!

Yours faithfully,

Blue

Subscribe to my new super-secret blog!

2010-03-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

Many of you already know that I have moved my blog to a new location. If you want to continue reading, please leave me a comment with your email address (which I will not post) and I will send you an invite.

All the old stories (and new) are in the new location.

If you think you should have already received an invite from me and haven't, please leave me another comment. Somehow it slipped by me:)

See you soon!

Blue

Hey You, From PoDunk

2010-03-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

To the person from PoDunk who keeps tyring to access the old stories from this site:

Can't you tell they are no longer accessible? Why are you so obsessed with RD, anyway? Why do you keep searching for that story on this site when it is no longer available?

I told you, I can tell when you visit here. I can tell what time, and your street address.

If you are not interested in talking to me directly about it then why do you keep coming back here to try and find stuff out about me?

To everyone else: if I have neglected to invite you to the new blog, please let me know. I am trying to add everyone who makes a request.

Cheers!
Blue

Subscribing to new blog

2010-03-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

JR - don't forget I need your email address to send you an invite!

Please keep commenting here with your email address if you want an invite to the new location. If you want me to add you to my blogroll, be sure to include your url if your profile is hidden:) or send me an invite if your blog is subscription-only as well.

To all the PoDunkers who have been trying to read this blog these past couple of days:

I know who it is running around out there trying to expose me. Well, the damage is done, but not too badly. If you are from PoDunk you know that you no longer have access to the juicy parts of my blog, which is what I believe you are looking for.

You want to see how sick and twisted I am. You want to see the depravity I have allowed myself to engage in, don't you? It's fun to read that stuff, isn't it? So are you going to be outraged and judge me or are you going to acknowledge that you too love this stuff and are intrigued? I have so many readers from AROUND the world. People love this kind of stuff, including you.

But I don't trust you. If you are from PoDunk, and I can tell if you are when you visit my blog, then I will choose to believe you have some mal-intent to expose me or gossip about me. You are free to think what ever you want about me, but take a look at your willingness to engage in this drama that has unfolded these past couple of days. You are contributing to making the situation worse. I have had to do some damage control and when you are out there exposing me then I have no ability to contain the damage. This is between me and the other individual impacted - so why do YOU want to be involved?

One person has already been hurt by this. Why would you want to add to the casualty list?

If you like my blog, then by all means read it. But admit that is what you are doing - enjoying the juicy stuff as well as everything else! Someone from PoDunk has spent hours and hours on my blog these past couple of days. They are eating it up. So if you think what you read about me reveals that I have some kind of problem, then you do too, because you are obsessed and can't stop reading about it yourself.

And guess what? That means I have done my job well by providing you with hours of intriguing entertainment. So just take it for what it is.

If you want to expose me to people I know around PoDunk, I will just smile and know that karma kicks ass.

Much love,

Blue

All the Men Have Moved

2010-03-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone who is subscribing to my new blog. I appreciate it! I have uploaded everything there so it is not gone forever.

Scott and Marcus - you forgot to leave me your email addresses! I need that to invite you:)

Keep posting comments here if you want an invitation for the new blog. I won't post your comments if they have email addresses in them:)

Blue

Moving to a new blog soon...

2010-03-02T22:09:00.001-07:00

It's a bummer when you are finally outted - in the blog world that is. And it is a bummer when someone you really cared about won't talk to you anymore because of your blog. So I will be moving to a subscription-only blog.

I will be leaving up the story of Lestat here, and if you want to subscribe to my new location, post a comment with your email address and I will send you an invite.

AND - I won't post your comment with your email. I will keep that to myself! :)

See you soon at my new home,

Your faithfully, Blue

Lestat has Brain Cancer? Yeah, Right!

2008-07-29T15:22:00.005-06:00

I talked to Lestat's other girlfriend last night (actually she was one of many other girlfriend's at the time...)

She said he started contacting her about a year ago. The last time they talked was about 8 months ago.

Why after 10 years would he be trying to hunt her down?

Apparently, he has brain cancer.

Okay, let this one sink in....

She quickly told him she didn't believe him. Good girl! I would have told him he was full of shit and why on earth would he think I would believe him given all the things he lied about in the first place?

But, she is a much nicer person than I am :)

Over the course of three conversations, he had "just come back from the Brain Cancer Center of America" for treatment.

Ah, poor baby. Boo hoo.

I reminded her of how he faked his seizure disorder with me, so why could he be believed now?

He also told her he had been seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist who helped him understand why he did what he did "back then" and that he should make amends.

Yeah right.

But, he didn't apologize, or show any remorse, and didn't admit to anything he had done!

Um, that doesn't sound like making amends, if you ask me.

In fact he told her, "you were just as bad as I was."

Oh. My. God. He is still maintaining his innocence and deceit even 10 years after the fact.

This man is truly sick. As if we didn't know that already.

He told her, "you were the one I truly loved. I always came back to you."

As if that makes it okay that he was manipulating several other women around the country, giving them all engagement rings, and telling them all the same thing, "you are the only one for me. Will you marry me?"

Barf.

He even told her she was in his will. What the hell? In his will???

That is just more bullshit and no different that what he used to do back in the day - make promises that he would never keep.

So she did a little digging and discovered a Mrs. Lestat. Well, well, well. Apparently someone married this psycho. I wonder if she would be interested in knowing that her brain-cancer husband is calling his old girlfriend from 10 years ago telling her she is the only one she loved and that she is in his will????

Yeah, he neglected to mention there was a Mrs. Lestat.

So she and I reminisced about his antics. We remembered some of the unique things he changed about himself just for us:

1. For her he had an English accent when they first met and told her he worked for the NSA.

2. For me he had a seizure disorder, and had two full blown seizures in front of me. One of which ended him the hospital. He never played that act for her nor ever mentioned a seizure disorder.

3. For me he was psychic and telekinetic. Um weird. He never told her that.

4. For me he had a dog that was "always sick in the kennel" then eventually died. For her he never had a dog and never mentioned one.

5. For me he had a pierced nipple (which he did just before our first meeting). He explained this to her as just a whim.

6. For both of us he promised trips that never occurred.

7. He told me he was moving to California to be with me. With her they were looking for houses right where they lived.

8. For both of us he failed to get off a plane when he was suppose to. He left us both wondering on several occasions where the hell he was - he couldn't be reached by phone, e-mail or pager.

9. He had a piano for which he played for her. He refused to play for me.

10. For both of us he had several other women in his sphere. He was never without a gaggle of adoring females to make him feel whole - a symptom of his sickness.

Brain cancer.

If it's true, all I have to say is, karma is a bitch!

"Lestat" The Final Chapter

2006-07-13T12:40:00.000-06:00

Those of you who have been with me since the beginning, have hopefully enjoyed the letcherous (I can't spell and blogger's spell check sucks) and temperamental Lestat, who graced my life with evil and horrid acts of devious treachery in 1998-1999. If you are just joining my blog, you enter this story now at the end, so I encourage you to start at the beginning.

Eight years later, I was inspired by a fellow blogger friend, to start my own blog. I knew I wanted to write about all the men I have loved. I was inspired to start with Lestat, which took several chapters to write, given the juicy details of what happened between us. It was a landmark relationship that has rippled effects through my life since that time.

Revisiting those events for the purpose of writing the story has been bittersweet. While writing the various posts, I felt some of the old feelings, as memories, that I have not felt in many years. However, I was much more entertained by writing the story with the humor and understanding I have now. When I talk about Lestat these days, I am usually laughing at all the outrageous things he did. And I laugh at myself for putting up with him as long as I did.

A funny thing happened when I wrote the dream post. I had a new sense of relief that I didn't expect. You see, actually putting in writing some of the positive things I learned from that relationship created a sense of upliftment. It was as if I had risen above the situation and could see more clearly, with love, what I had to gain from that time with Lestat. I guess I didn't realize consciously there were still things to let go from this relationship - until I wrote that post and felt the unexpected relief. This is one of the benefits of journaling, no doubt.

For several years now, I have not spent energy thinking about, or reflecting on Lestat. I just wanted the experience behind me. However, writing about it now, gave me a chance to see things from a different point of view. Again this was an unexpected benefit of writing about it now. I had no idea.

If I were to write Lestat a letter, or ever see him again now, instead of recoiling in horror and running for the hills, I would be able to express gratitude for the learning. I would not "thank him" (because I still think he is a bastard) but rather I would feel grateful--secretely, and inside. I would not be full of hate or anger or murderous impulses directed at his vampiric neck:)

I consider such an experience as "training" for other life challenges down the road. I know it will lead somewhere, to something significant, where I can look back and say, "See? That is why I had that experience - to prepare me for this!"

I wonder though, about my other stories, as most of them will not be of such treachery. Most of them will be funny, and quite a bit shorter, and with a lot more sex. A few of them, like my "Sexcapades Through Italy" and my two years with the "Persian Prince", will no doubt take a few chapters to tell. The others will be quick one-posters, as most of them were quick relationships. Ah, the life of a single gal.

Thanks for being with me so far, and I hope you stick around to hear about the Other Men I've Loved.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 18

2006-07-12T12:48:00.000-06:00

Analysis of Lestat - Part II - look at Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)

According to the DSM, someone who exhibits characteristics consistent with APD has at least three of the following, (in addition to a history of such behaviors in childhood):

failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest

deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure

impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

reckless disregard for safety of self or others

consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations

lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Lestat displayed at at least FOUR of the above: deceitfulness, impulsivity, disregard for the safety of self or others, and lack of remorse. I do not remember what he told me about his childhood, so I can't say if he exhibited such behaviors early on.

At the heart of APD is a lack of remorse. Lestat's blatent disregard for the impact he had on others epitomizes such lack of remorse. He would simply move on to the next target when he got caught.

Interestingly, one of the differences between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and APD is that in APD there is a lack of ability to empathize with others - hence the lack of remorse. With NPD this is not necessarily the case. People with NPD usually have quite a bit of emotional expression because they feel such narcissistic pain when not treated "properly" by others. His pervasive deceitfulness also points to APD as he lied in order to gain personal pleasure (i.e., need for sex, love, adoration, etc.). Impulsivity also plagued his character as he did not plan ahead when acting out: he had no thought of the consequences to himself or others when engaging in his devious acts. The disregard for the safety of others comes to light in his insistence to forego the use of condoms while sleeping with multiple women. He had no care for diseases he might contract or spread to his multiple partners. Furthermore, he had no regard for the "emotional" safety of others he caught in his web.

Again, the lack of empathy and remorse is what makes this personality disorder stand out. Usually we see such people in the media: career criminals, serial killers, and the like. However, one does not have to be a career criminal or serial killer to fit such a profile. Remember, a person has to have only THREE of the criteria to qualify (along with the requisite childhood history).

Most of us will not encounter such a person in our lifetime. I thought I would be one of those people - to never be personally involved with someone of such character. However, having had such an experience, I now have intimate knowledge of what such a person looks and feels like. My NPD and APD "radar" is acutely sensitive and I can spot such a character a mile away. I now know to "run like hell" if I see such flags that indicate such a person is in my sphere.

Some people would say that people with APD have a need for excessive stimulation, because they simply don't "feel." If a person is without feeling, they would likely engage in risky or thrill-seeking behaviors, in order to avoid boredom. Such a person does not feel emotionally connected to others. So in order to "feel" something, they kick things up a notch to make life interesting. So, in Lestat's case, he made life interesting by engaging in risky behaviors with several women all over the United States. He could have easily been found out by his co-workers and family, because many of his women (including me) actually met these people. He ran the risk of us "outing" him to those with the power to impact his life negatively. This risk may have been exciting to him (i.e., like the feeling of excitement one gets when having sex in public). This risk would NOT be repellent to Lestat, like it would be for most people. This risk would be exciting, fun, thrilling, and be much of a game to him at a pathological level.

People with APD may view their life as a game: how to get away with as much as possible before getting caught. This thrill is what makes life worth living. So in Lestat's case, his game became: "let me see how many smart, beautiful, intelligent and faithful women I can be with for as long as possible, while making them believe I am not who I am, before they find me out."

What would lead to someone developing APD? Typically someone with APD has an early history of trauma and abuse. Take Charles Manson: his early life was riddled with abandonment and multiple placements in foster care and eventual incarceration. What kind of effect does this have on a person? Theoretically, someone who has been traumatized in such a way, might NOT develop the normal healthy attachments to other human beings. They would become numb to human bonding and therefore would be unable to develop empathy or remorse.

So, what happened to Lestat in his early life? Well, I can't say for sure. But as I mentioned before, he did suffer abuse in his family growing up. However, not everyone abused will grow up to be narcissistic or antisocial. Something more profound would have to occur to make the shift into future maladaptive patterns of functioning and relating.

I can only speculate. My guess is, the type of abuse and neglect he experienced growing up, had the effect of disrupting natural bonding and attachment with his family. The trauma would have to be severe enough in his experience to cause such a fracturing of his ability to attach to others in a loving, healthy manner.

So, in a way, it's not his fault???? Well, not really. One may be able to argue that as a child, he was a victim--leading to his adult behavior. However, as an adult he still possesssed the power of free will to decide how to treat others. Such and understanding of his character helps explain why he is the way he is, but does not in any way give him permission to hurt others.

Such an understanding gives me (and hopefully others as well who have encountered such people in their own lives) the ability to empathize and understand, so as to NOT completely judge him. Okay, maybe just a little:). What I mean is, even though Lestat was the "worst" person I have ever met, I understand there is a reason for why he is the way he is. He is as much a product of his upbringing and environment as well all are.

So the moral of the story is: stay away from people with APD because no matter how much you love them, they will be incapable of loving you back. They will use you to serve their own personal gain. Rehabilitation for such a person is well-documented as extremely difficult to accomplish. Don't try to change such a person. Just get them out of your life quick!

Signs that you might be involved with someone with APD:

Persistent lying and deceit for personal gain and profit (i.e., compulsive lying about unimportant things; lying about aspects of identity; creating scenarios simply for the purpose of "getting away" with deceiving others)

Impulsive behaviors without regard of consequences (i.e., reckless/dangerous behaviors, or behaviors that have the possible consequence of damaging someone else's person, property, or self-esteem)

Lack of ability to empathize with others, and lack of remorse for behaviors that hurt others

Engaging in behaviors that go against society's norms (i.e., law-breaking behaviors)
Any questions?

Lestat as a Sex Addict?

2006-07-11T13:37:00.001-06:00

I just read SJblogger's latest post, and while reading, a "ding" went off in my brain. And I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before -- it is very very likely Lestat was a sex addict in addition to his personality disorders! I think SJ does a really good job of explaining how it has impacted his own life and his process of self-discovery. I am in NO WAY comparing SJ to Lestat (because remember, Lestat was EVIL EVIL EVIL, and SJ is dealing with an addiction - NOT the same thing:)) And besides, SJ seems honorable, adorable, and honest...he is not a "Lestat" in any way.

I appreciate what SJ has to say and I encourage you to read. Its educational and explains a problem that many people suffer from. Enjoy.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 17

2006-07-10T11:05:00.000-06:00

The Dreams

This weekend I spent time going through my journals trying to dig up my Lestat Dreams. Seems I didn't do such a good job of recording said dreams. However, I recorded some, and remember enough to write a thoughtful post on the subject.

A few months after the break up in 1999, I had the following dream:

A friend of mine married Lestat knowing all he had done to me. There was another woman living with them that he was also sleeping with. She married him because he rescued her and her friend from a plane crash - they crashed into his house. I said, "check the phone bills and his activity on the internet!" But my friend seemed like she was in denial. He would not admit to any wrong doing.

I had several dreams of this nature over the years: I was back with Lestat in some way, and I was trying to expose him or get him to admit to the things he did. Each dream progressed slightly on this theme - of him telling the truth, and of me being able to forgive him.

In 2003 I had the following dream, which was the last I had of Lestat:

Lestat and I were back together, but he was still cheating on me. He was admitting it though, and gave me his cell phone telling me I would find other womens' phone numbers on it. There were recent entries, within a few days. I became angry with him and he seemed remorseful. The sense I had was that he couldn't help his behavior because it was addictive and/or compulsive.

This was the first and only dream where Lestat admitted to what he had done. The first and only dream where any sort of regret or remorse was present. Obviously this was a healing event for me, because no more Lestat dreams ensued. Such is the value of dreams, as they can help work through issues that can't otherwise be managed in our daily lives.

As mentioned before, I would not have the opportunity to hear straight from his vampiric lips, "sorry for what I have done to you," so I would have to get this another way. This happened through my dreams, and especially through the last dream in 2003. The dream not only gave me what I wanted (an admission of guilt and a sense of remorse), but it also gave me insight into his actions - that on some level "he couldn't help it."

Okay, this does not in any way excuse his behavior. But think about this for a moment. If you are born a dog, you can't help but bark, wag your tail, smell your own butt, and eat food off the floor. It is in your nature.

Perhaps Lestat was "born" to be the "asshole" in this life for a reason. I can only speculate on what that reason might be for my own life, because as individuals, we all have our own lessons to learn. Some might say, "well, you didn't NEED that experience to learn THOSE lessons!" I would disagree. Why? Because from a spiritual perspective, I do understand that things DO happen for a reason in my life. Events are not random. I am not a victim.

So what are the lessons that I needed from this experience? On the surface of this experience, I learned how to spot a liar from a mile away. I also learned to trust my gut more. The truth is, I had all the information I needed about Lestat in the beginning from the first phone call, but I CHOSE to ignore the truth in front of me. From this experience, I am more likely to pay attention to the truth than avoid it. I also had to explore within myself why I would chose to ignore the truth.

Within the first few months of my relationship with Lestat I had a very revealing dream. In the dream he was "experimenting" on me in a sinister manner and then abandoned me by the end of the dream. At the time, I wrote the dream off as rubbish. However, looking back, I know that the dream was a warning of things to come and was if fact, revealing the truth of the nature of our relationship. Paying attention to my dreams has been a valuable tool in understanding what is going on in my life. I have learned not to ignore them.

So getting back to the idea of not ignoring the truth--my experience with Lestat was like being hypnotized by a very skilled magician--I was under the "spell" of a powerful illusion. The illusion was the relationship itself, that I chose to believe was real. The illusion was MY OWN doing, because I CHOSE to buy into it. The relationship had the effect of breaking down illusions in my life, so that I could be better equipped to see truth, and act accordingly. Although this was incredibly painful, it was a necessary part of my growth. I would much rather be operating under a sense of "reality" than under a shroud of "illusion." I am grateful for having this lesson.

Think about all the "illusions" we operate under each day. These illusions are beliefs that we buy into that determine how we think, feel and make decisions. Illusions are debilitating because they keep us from progressing forward in life.

For example, fear is one of the most powerful illusions. If we make decisions based on fear of what "might" happen to us (i.e., "if I quit my job, I might not like the new job I will get, but yet I hate my current job") then we won't take steps forward. We will remain stagnant and unhappy right where we are.

Fear of being alone might be the most single powerful illusion that keeps people in bad relationships. Think about it: do you stay in a bad relationship/job/situation because of fear of having to deal with loneliness? Avoiding loneliness only prolongs the bad relationship. Facing loneliness opens the door to greater love.

Having a powerful experience of breaking down illusions (uh, thank you Lestat, I guess!) in my own life has helped me feel more free to chose the life I want. There is no price tag on such a valuable sense of freedom.

And through this experience, I learned more about love, believe it or not. I learned what love is NOT, and how by buying into illusions, I am certainly not loving myself. In the end this experience has NOT closed my heart to love. I have since then fallen in love (a few times - its been 8 years remember!), and will again. Each time I have something new to learn about what love is, how to be more loving, how to have more love in my life, and how to operate from love in general.

Any questions, boys and girls?

We are nearing the end of the Lestat tale. I think there are only about 2 chapters left. Stay tuned.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 16

2006-07-07T14:31:00.000-06:00

The Analysis of Lestat - Part I - a Look at Narcissism

Because it could take a while to get to the 'dream post' (as I have to dig up my dream journals from 8 years ago), we will take a little detour to deconstruct Lestat.

The main question I asked myself while finding out the truth about him, was "Why?" Why would someone go to SO MUCH trouble to change important aspects of their identity; to lie about unnecessary things; to maintain SERIOUS relationships with so many different women all at the same time? I was boggled by the thought of someone being so calculated and conniving for what seemed like no apparent end. In other words, he didn't swindle money out of me (as I had none to speak of), so why go to so much trouble? (He did have some money deal going with Amber that I think she put a stop to once the truth was out.) So, without an obvious motive behind his behavior, I came up with the following:

He did (does) what he did (and probably still does) because it gave (gives) him a sense of self. What does this mean? Remember, I mentioned several times Lestat was not only a sociopath, but also pathologically narcissistic. At the core of narcissism is a profound sense of identity loss. Individuals who are clinically narcissistic, have a deep core of emptiness. They don't really know who they are. They use the outside world to define who they are, because the intrinsic definition of self never developed. So, how can a 'self' never develop?

For most people, a sense of self is developed early in life through the love, nurturance, and care of family, specifically through the relationship with caregivers (i.e., parents). If the caregiver/parent relationship is faulty, it can have a devastating impact on how the sense of self develops. The self can become fractured, or can develop into a false-self.

In heavy-duty narcissism, the false-self is what runs the show: someone operating from a false-self demands adoration and positive attention from everyone around them. Why? Because they don't have those qualities internalized, so they must look to others to reflect back to them how they want to feel about themselves. Not only do they demand adoration, but they often act out with rage-attacks when they are not sufficiently adored and admired. They feel their anger is justified, because others are not appreciating or admiring them enough.

From the narcissism side, this describes Lestat to a "T". He constantly raged at me if I did not pay him enough attention or admire/appreciate him enough. I was never a good enough girlfriend because I didn't make him feel special enough. The trap here is that someone who operates from heavy-duty narcissism will NEVER be satisfied no mater how much other people love and admire them.

This would in part, explain Lestat's need for so many women. His core of emotional emptiness could not be sufficiently filled up by one woman, so he had to surround himself with as many adoring women as possible, in order to have a positive self-image. Not only did he have to surround himself with so many women, but he had to guarantee they would adore him by changing his identity for each woman, so that he could confidently secure their love. If he changed who we was, he could be sure we would all love him, because he would be "perfect" for each of us. This would feed his false-self image, bolstering him up, so that he could feel as though he had a positive sense of self. Unfortunately, this would never work, because ultimately he would do something to reveal the truth and we would not adore him anymore. When we didn't adore him, he could simply get rid of us, and find someone else to adore him, to continue perpetuating his need to feed his false-self.

The inherent problem with operating from a false-self is the fragility of the ego that is based based upon what other people think: it (the sense of self) can come crashing down the minute someone doesn't think the narcissist is "perfect" anymore. The self become shattered, or what is called "narcissistically wounded." To the narcissist, this wound feels deep and incredibly painful--thus the narcissistic rage that ensues.

Because the false-self is running the show, people with pathological narcissism often appear profoundly insecure. They counterbalance this insecurity by being grandiose. This grandiosity can manifest through bragging about accomplishments and expecting "kudos" for such accomplishment; spouting self-sacrificing behavior/deeds (in order to gain sympathy and adoration); describing plans to do "great things" that might not seem reasonable to the average person.

Lestat was constantly grandiose. He reminded me often how loved and appreciated he was at work and how much he did for his boss and coworkers. He bragged about how good he was at his job, how smart he was, how talented he was, what a good lover he was, what a good boyfriend, blah blah blah. This type of grandiosity is used as a defense to counterbalance the effects of having a deep core of emptiness and insecurity.

Although someone may be grandiose, their insecurities are just as flamboyant. Lestat worried endlessly about what his bosses and coworkers thought of him. He went to great lengths to manage their impressions of him, to be sure he was seen by them as a "god." He was often insecure with me by raging at me if I didn't kiss him, hug him or hold his hand exactly the way he wanted, or when he wanted. My sole purpose was to reflect back to him a positive image so that he could feel good about himself. When I failed in doing so, I was attacked by his narcissistic rage.

How did Lestat develop the core of emptiness in the first place, that would lead to such outrageous narcissism as an adult? I can only speculate on this. What I did know about his family lent some clues. His father was extremely abusive both physically and verbally. I never met him as he had died by the time I knew Lestat. I did meet his mother. She was clearly not a loving mother: she called him an "asshole" in front of me the first and only time we met.

This could have impacted Lestat's developing ego in profound ways. If as a child, he did not receive the necessary mirroring or nurturance from his parents, and instead was treated with abuse, this is likely how the false-self developed. It is possible that his parents exhibited intense narcissistic traits as well (such as: not allowing him to express feelings; constant criticism; and various other forms of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation). It is quite likely, given the abuse he suffered, he never fostered a true-self, but instead, had to develop a facade - a false-self - in order to survive in the environment in which he grew up.

Unfortunately, he did the same "survival" coping skill - creating a facade - as an adult. This is when a necessary coping skill as a child becomes a debilitating defense mechanism as an adult.

So, the moral of the story is: learn how to spot a narcissist! Obviously this relationship gave me expert skill in spotting such a character so that: I would not have to endure any such type again in the future; I could help others deal with such types of people; I could educate others on the subject; and so that I would have such juicy stories to tell!

Here are some signs that you might be with a narcissist:

Jealousy and possessiveness

Excessive need to feel special, adored, loved, appreciated, or admired

Rage attacks when you do not sufficiently meet his/her needs

Controlling behaviors (trying to control how you spend your time, who you talk to, how you dress, etc.)

Inflated self-esteem, or grandiosity (bragging, "fishing" for compliments)

Dramatic, insecure behaviors

Expecting you to take responsibility for making him/her feel better about him/herself

Blaming you for behaviors or feelings (i.e., "YOU made me do this," or "YOU made me feel this way.")

Not taking responsibility for angry behavior and justifying angry outbursts

An attitude that demonstrates "the world revolves around me" and "you need to cater to my ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings."

An unwillingness to reflect on his/her own behaviors

Any questions so far?

As if narcissism wasn't enough, Lestat embodied an even more sinister personality disorder usually reserved for serial killers: anti-social personality disorder.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 15

2006-07-03T15:24:00.000-06:00

The Final E-mail

After Lestat’s threats, I decided to call a truce so that he wouldn’t up the ante by doing something to defame me. This was best for my mental well-being also, as the more I pursued exposing him, the more anxious and depressed I became.

By the end of our relationship, I realized the nature of his personality – what some people call “anti-social personality disorder” with a strong streak of narcissism mixed in. This type of person has no remorse-no feelings of guilt or conscience - he does what he does simply because he can get away with it. He is charming and cunning and will make you believe anything - even when the opposite is right in front of your eyes. He is truly skillful at manipulation and getting what he wants. He is slippery and calculating. I had fallen victim to the worst kind of man (besides being raped or murdered). But he did have sex with me under false pretenses – (there should be a crime against that!). He pretended to be someone he wasn't, so that I would trust him. But to what end? I will explore that in a later post.

In order to begin moving on, I sent Lestat the following e-mail:

Date: 7/19/99
From: Me
To: Lestat

Dear Lestat,

I cannot tell you how sick I am over all that has happened since the last time we spoke in June. First of all, I have never accessed your e-mail account. I would like to see AOL try and prove that, because it hasn't happened. I am not worried about that. You have to remember, that you have many other women out there that you have hurt - perhaps one of them has gained access?

I have so much wanted to talk to you or write to you about all that I have discovered, so since you have contacted me and have made such horrible threats against me, then I feel I have to write to you, just so I can have my say and be done with this whole mess. My heart needs it, my health needs it.

Second of all, I have not contacted any of your friends. The only people I have talked to have been women you have slept with while you and I were engaged - and in fact, in every case, they contacted me first. These are not your friends, honey, they are women you betrayed. If someone is writing to your friends, it is not me. Like I said, you never introduced me to any of your friends, let alone pass on any of their e-mail addresses. You have hurt a lot of women in your past and recent history - perhaps it is one of them that are writing to your friends?

The man that I loved so dearly, so much with every ounce of my soul, has betrayed me in so many ways. I wanted to believe you all the times you lied to me, and I did for a long time. I wanted us to be together. You made me believe you were my soul mate. You sought me out and made me fall in love with you. I believed you to be the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

What I have discovered about you is very disturbing indeed. I know that you are not Jewish, never was and never will be. I can't tell you how deeply this discovery has shattered me to the core. You took something sacred and precious and used it to gain my trust, and you did it with skill. I don't think you can possibly know the depth of anguish and hurt I have felt since I have discovered this.

I also know that you did not buy my watch at Tiffany's. Don't you know that Tiffany's doesn't sell Cartier? Just call them and ask them yourself. You could have at least picked a place that actually sold Cartier - it would have been more difficult for me to check up on. Also, I took the watch directly to a Cartier store and it only took them one second to point out all the things about it that made it a fake. Honey, how could you look at me with a straight face, and give me this gift, knowing it was not the real thing? When I found this out, I had to laugh, because it is so ridiculous. I have no doubt the second ring you gave me was not the real thing either.

Oh, and I know the first ring you gave me was the same one you have shown other women, the one your father gave to your mother...and that you used this ring to ask others to marry you. Honey, I know you were engaged to Melissa when in fact you told me you had never been engaged before. I know who you were sleeping with when we first met...when you told me you hadn't had sex in a year. I guess I don't understand the need to lie about such things - you knew I wouldn't judge you based on your past or recent past sexual relations. And I know you told other women that slept in your bed that no other women had slept in your bed except them.

I know you did not get your nipple pierced until a day or two before we met in person the first time, when you told me it had been done for several months. I know you never had your belly button pierced. Why did you have to lie about something so unimportant? I would have loved you and been attracted to you without the piercing, you didn't need to lie about that.

I also know that several times you had arrangements to come out here and missed your flights or cancelled your reservations because of work, in fact you never had reservations in the first place...including this last time when you were suppose to be here in mid-June. Can you understand how this could hurt a person so much?

I also know your seizures were staged for my benefit. If they were real, how is it that the other important women in your life had no clue you had this problem?

After we stopped seeing each other in June, I had to know the truth about you, so I did some digging. I did this for me, not to hurt you or make your life miserable. I have sought out the truth so that I will go from this with some sense of purpose.

Honey, your threats toward me are really hurtful, when all I want to do is move on from this nightmare and get on with my life. It hurts me so much that the man I loved, and thought adored and cared for me so much, would make such vindictive and terrible threats. If you do what you say you will do, I will be humiliated for sure, but I won't know the true impact of your actions unless you actually take them. Isn't there a good part of your heart that knows such actions on your part are simply wrong and evil? I will have to deal with whatever you do because I cannot control what you do, just as you cannot control me, but honey, think before you act. Don't just react out of anger and do something you might regret. I know you must be angry with me for checking you out, but I had to know for me, for my own sake, not to get you in any sort of trouble.

I loved you so much, you know that. You were everything to me. You put on this beautiful costume and made me believe it was really you. The you I fell in love with, unfortunately, does not exist, and I am seriously suffering that loss. You were perfect in my eyes...perfect for me. We had the same religious beliefs, the same interests that same loves, the same habits. The hardest part to all of this is realizing that most, if not all, of that was false. You concocted your involvement with Judaism.....you made up other things about yourself and pretended to have other similar interests as well. I am still trying to make sense of all of this...really trying to understand why...I keep asking myself that question and it is driving me crazy. I know I will never have that answer.

I would like so much for you to tell me why, to explain to me why you picked me to do this to...why I was deserving of such treatment and deceit. I know in my mind I didn't deserve it, but in my heart, I feel so damaged, so empty and so lost, like you have stolen something precious from me, and I don't know if I will get it back. Honey, I am so hurt inside, you don't know how much I have wanted to call you and talk to you about it, in the hopes that you would make me feel better, that you would admit what I already know about you and have an explanation that would somehow set my heart at ease.

I want to believe there is a good part to you, but it is hard, knowing that you have said such beautiful things to me and then the next day or evening, said them to another woman. Honestly, the infidelity is not the most difficult part for me. I am very devastated by the costume you wore - the change in your identity you made for my benefit. That is something I have never experienced before in my life - I have been cheated on yes, but I have never encountered a person that lied so much about everything, including little things that seemed like useless lies.

I hope you understand I am not trying to hurt you. I believe you want to be left alone, just like I do. I know you just want for me to be rid of you, and believe me I want that as well. The constant crying and anxiety is very difficult for me. I am sick all the time because of it, but I know that I have to take my attention and focus off of you for that to get any better. Can you relate to that in any way? Is there any part of you that has any empathy for the pain you have caused in me? You made me believe we were one. Little did I know you were one with many others at the same time.

I know in my head you will deny all of the things I had said here. I know in my heart and head they are all true. I know that because you have done all of these things, that it is quite possible you don't care how I feel or what I have gone through as a result of our being together...if you did, you would have been a real person for me, you would have been my real knight in shinning armor, you would not have needed to be someone you weren't in order to gain my love and trust. You just could have been you, the real, beautiful you that exists in there somewhere.

Even writing this I can't help but cry. I have tried to make sense of how I could love you so deeply when that love was not based on the truth of who Lestat really was. I know my feelings were real, I know they existed and I felt them through and through, but how....how is it possible for me to feel such things for something that doesn't exist? This is the question that keeps rolling around in my head and heart...I don't have an answer. I know I loved what I was led to believe about you. I was in love with the facade, the mask - and what a glorious, beautiful mask it was.

I beat myself up that I couldn't see behind the mask any sooner, but I suppose things happen for a reason. I know you came into my life to teach me something very important...I don't know what that is yet....hopefully someday soon I will know. I know that our experience was meaningful and important, I just don't know what it is yet.

In all my trying to understand this whole thing I have perhaps hurt you or threatened you in some way...by talking with the other women you have been with. Again my intention was only to have the truth for me, not to lash out at you, no matter how hurt I have felt. I can't lash out at you; it would only bring on more pain for me.

Probably nothing I have said here has any impact on you, because I know you have moved on, you have your other girlfriends and the others you are currently pursuing. I really hope there is a part of you deep down inside, even, that can relate to what I have been feeling, can relate to how much I loved and trusted in you and how much I am deeply deeply hurt because of the betrayal. I can't make you understand it, though..but I guess the little hurt child in me wants the good part of you to make it all better, to make all this pain go away once an for all. I just want to be free of this, but I also know that this is serious grief that I am experiencing, a serious loss I have endured. It is like you have died and I never got to say goodbye - can you understand how incredibly painful that is?

I am 30 years old and I thought my life with you was just beginning and now I feel my life has ended, that I have lost something precious and sacred. I have never experienced such a sense of pain this deep, and I suppose I just wanted the good and real part of you to know just how hurt and devastated I am...to appeal to the love in you that I hope exists in there somewhere...the love in you that can relate to the love in me.

I have to move on from this and focus on what I want, not what I don't want any more. I want love, happiness, health and peace in my life. I want honesty, truth, compassion, trust and respect. I know I deserve all these things.

take care of yourself and be well.

Bluelovergirl

That was the last contact. He never wrote back. Never responded in any way. I would never get an admission or denial; an “I’m sorry”; or even “have a nice life.” He changed his e-mail addresses and wiped himself clean from the internet so I couldn’t track him anymore (he took down all his traceable on-line dating profiles and white page listings). He simply deleted himself from my life.

Although I would never hear from him again, I knew I would have to deal with my need for an “I’m sorry for what I did” in another way. Then the dreams started.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 14

2006-07-01T12:17:00.000-06:00

Lets Review: Lestat's Litany of Lies (and other acts of deceit, dishonesty, and dirty tricks)

As you know by now, my temperamental Lestat was a pathological liar, master manipulator, and down-right devious devil. Honestly I don't think he could help himself, but I will get to that issue in another post. Before posting the last e-mail I would ever write to him, I want to review his deeds, that should never be forgotten, because within his deeds, lay lessons for me, (and anyone else who has been with someone like Lestat) to forever remember.

1. Religion: He convinced me we shared important spiritual beliefs (as part of his plan to seduce me). In fact, we did NOT share the same belief system. To explain this, let's pretend I am Jewish, so that I may illustrate what Lestat did. When we first met on-line, he told me he was "Jewish" and that he visited important "Jewish" sites in the US and abroad. However, after talking with Lena and Amber, I discovered he was in fact NOT "Jewish" - he went to great lengths (like attending "Jewish" seminars with me!) to convince me of his spiritual faith. So, why would someone lie about their religion? He was crafting the "perfect" man for me to ensure that I would fall for him.

2. Piercings: When we first talked, he told me he had a nipple and belly button piercing. However, in one of the first pictures he sent me, there were NO piercings. He told me he had them for quite some time, however. When I met him in person, he DID have his left nipple pierced, and it was red and swollen, as if the procedure had just been done. He assured me it was "just infected," but had it for a while. No belly-button piercing though - he explained he took it out a long time ago and it healed up. I saw no evidence of a piercing in that region whatsoever. When I finally talked to Amber, who of course knew him for at least 6 months before me said he never had the piercing in his nipple until he met me the first time in June 1999. She remembered when he came home from a "business trip" and showed her his new piercing. She thought it was strange he did that and he told her it was just a "last minute" whim. So why would he go to such lengths as to tell me he had a piercing (when he didn't) and then GET the piercing right before we met? He obviously thought I would be more attracted to him - I told him I liked piercings, but I certainly didn't say it was a deal-breaker, if he didn't have one! Again, he was crafting the "perfect" man for me.

3. Musicianship: He told me he played the piano and sang. He had a baby grand piano in his apartment. No matter how many times I asked him to play for me, he didn't. He always refused, always had an excuse. He never sang for me either. Again, why lie about this? He knew I respected and was attracted to such talents in men.

4. Poetry: He wrote me numerous poems that he claimed were his own that he plagiarized from other authors and song-writers. He often used country songs because he knew I didn't listen to country music.

5. Womanizing: He had ongoing relationships with several other women. To most, if not all of them, he promised ever-lasting love and marriage. I am sure there were more, but the ones I knew about included: Lena, Amber, Jaime, Melissa, Elka, Olga, Donella, Lindsey and Jennifer. Many of us lived in different parts of the United States. He was having sex with all of us - unprotected. Amazingly, I never got an STD, but for a while I had chronic yeast infections. Yuck, I know. When the truth finally came out, I knew I was getting chronic infections because he was passing other women's bacteria on to me! Yuck yuck yuck! He insisted I be on the Pill. He probably said the same to the others.

6. Jewelry: He gave me an engagement ring that he also promised to Lena, and eventually gave to Amber. The replacement ring he gave me, I am sure was a fake. It was too big to be real. After giving me the first ring, he told me he took it back and replaced it with a the "bigger" ring. However, several months later, I found the original ring in the glovebox of his car. He told me I misunderstood about him already replacing the ring.

7. Trips and travels: He promised trips to Jamaica, Japan and Florida. He was not wistful either in his promises - he convinced me he had every intention to take me. For example, we were to go to Japan for Christmas to visit his sister. However the trip never took place because of his various excuses. I am sure he never intended on taking me to any of these places. He just made the promises to give me a certain impression of him.

8. Relocation: His move to my town was completely fabricated. When we first met he told me, "oh yeah, by the way, I have a job waiting for me where you happen to live." He even told me the name of the person and company that hired him. When his plans to move kept getting delayed, I did some digging to find the company, which DID NOT exist! He had excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't move - each time it had to do with "moving money" that the fabricated company had not yet sent him. Clearly, telling me he was moving was yet another way to keep me on his leash.

9. Pets: He made up owning a dog. There was no dog, ever. This was confirmed by Amber. Why would he lie about having a dog? Seems inconsequential to our relationship, but then again, there were so many things he did that didn't make sense, I stopped trying to figure it out.

10. Sleeping arrangements: He told me I was the only woman he ever allowed to sleep in his bed because I was special. Clearly a lie. And why lie about this? I didn't care who had slept in his bed previously! When I asked him about his prior girlfriends, and where they slept, he told me "the guest room", but his "guest room" was his office and there was no bed in there.

11. A "secret" agent: Amber told me an interesting story: when they first met, Lestat spoke with an English accent. This went on for several weeks and she was fully convinced he was from the UK. One night, they were at a restaurant and he began talking in his regular southern drawl. She was surprised and he told her, "Well, you see, I work for the government, doing top secret business. In order to protect you, I was altering my identify." Actually, he probably should have been a secret agent - he clearly had all the tricks of the trade.

12. More jewelry: At Christmas time, Lestat gave me a beautiful Cartier watch--silver with sapphire dials. He was so proud of himself and made sure to tell me what a great watch it was and that it was "real." He went on-and-on about it, which I thought a little odd. Strangely though, he did not wrap the watch in its original package. No warranty information was included. Also, the watch band was too big, so he took it upon himself to adjust it. But he kept messing it up and the band kept braking. We would argue about this because I didn't want Cartier to refuse to fix it because someone else invalidated the warranty by attempting to repair it themselves! After we broke up, I took the watch straight to the Cartier store - they took one look at it and said, "This isn't a real Cartier, ma'am. I'm sorry." They proceeded to point out several features on the watch indicating it was a fake.

13. Lost gifts: Also at Christmas time, he gave me a couple of gifts, that he took back and promised he would return to me shortly. One of them was an electronic keyboard. He took it back because I couldn't take it on the plane with me. He said he would ship it to me. He never did. He also gave me a gift certificate for a spa treatment in his area, which I couldn't' use because it was the holiday season and they were closed. He promised to take me next time I came to town. He never did.

14. On-line predatory behavior: He was pursing on-line dating the entire time we were together. I caught him in the act several times throughout the year and found his active profiles on line. He denied it each time.

15. Accusations: He accused me of cheating constantly and would pick fights with me about this subject.

16. Seizures: He staged gran mal seizures when we would argue. He told me early on in the relationship he had a "seizure disorder" left over from Gulf War Syndrome. However, Amber new nothing of such a seizure disorder, and she knew him best, as she was in his very town and saw him often.

17. Unplanned business travel: He went on several last minute business trips throughout the year I knew him. Lena and Amber also said the same thing. We discovered the timing of such trips coincided with trips he took to see his various women in different parts of the country. We could never figure out how he could take so much time off from work!

18. A new car: He told me he won a car from a contest. He lied about this as well - there was never a new car. Of course he had excuses as to why he never got the car.

19. Psychic abilities: He claimed to be psychic and telekinetic and accused me of having dreams about other men, that he could "see" when I was asleep.

20. Threats: He told me he got rid of the "intimate" pictures of me, then later threatened to use them against me.

21. Unpaid debts: He promised to pay for expenses I incurred from the long-distance relationship, (because it was NOT supposed to be long-distance). He promised, but never followed through. He had excuse after excuse, but kept promising.

22. Missed flights: He missed several trips to see me because he either "missed the flight" or "had to work." He never intended to come on those trips. I called the airlines to confirm his supposed reservations. He had nothing reserved in his name! He never missed a flight because he never made one. There were times when he was scheduled to arrive at a certain hour and I would get a call a few minutes BEFORE his arrival telling me he didn't make it on the flight. Infuriating.

23. Verbal abuse: On top of all his lies and devious acts, he was jealous, petulant, inconsolable, and incredibly controlling. If I didn't pay enough attention to him, he would throw a MAJOR tantrum and verbally abuse me until I had no self-esteem to speak of.

24. Racism: One time, while out shopping for the replacement ring early in our relationship, he asked me if I had ever dated anyone of "color." In fact, I had, and told him so. I had no idea this would be an issue. He became instantly angry and said, "how could you!" He told me never to tell his family because this was unacceptable. He honestly couldn't believe why I would "do such a thing" as to date someone who was not White.

25. Jealous behavior: He would make controlling comments about how I dressed. If I wore a short skirt he would say, "why don't you go put some clothes on," angry and accusatory, as if I were trying to attract attention from other men.

26. Evidence: He would leave evidence of his other girlfriends around his apartment for me to find: letters, cards, pictures, etc. In his bathroom he left a journal that had written on the inside cover, "Lestat, meeting you on the plane was kismit. Blah blah blah. I look forward to where this will lead. Love, Lindsey." Of course I would confront him every time. Of course he would turn it around and blame me in some way, making me feel like the bad girlfriend for questioning him.

I think that just about does it to summarize his sick and twisted behavior. I am sure if I thought longer and harder, I could come up with a few more examples. If so, I will post those at another time.

Now its time for the last email I would ever write to him.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 13

2006-06-29T17:53:00.000-06:00

And then I found Jennifer

During the time that Lena, Amber and I were digging up as much as we could about Lestat, I received a cryptic e-mail from someone. It simply said:

From: Jennifer
To: Me

You have the wrong address.

Strangely, I did not know this person and never wrote her an e-mail. Remember when I said I thought Lestat had been hacking into my e-mail? I instantly thought, “hmmm..this could be one of Lestat’s women, and he is doing to her what he did to me. He has probably used my e-mail to send her a message, otherwise, how would she have my e-mail address to respond to?”

There was no record of a message to her in my “sent” folder, but those are easily deleted.

I wrote her back and simply said:

“Do you know Lestat?”

I didn’t say much more, because I couldn’t be sure yet who she was. But she took the bait and wrote me back, saying she did know him. My intuition was right! I quickly responded telling her who I was, that I had been engaged to him for the past year, and if she were involved with him, she should know about his behavior.

However, she responded as I did, when I received the first phone call and the first e-mails. I didn’t believe it and I was suspicious and angry at a stranger trying to “ruin” my “perfect” relationship.

Date: 7/16/99
From: Jennifer
To: Me

Did you give someone my name so that they could send me email about Lestat? I'm guessing so since you're the only other person to offer up personal information. What's the deal, why go through so much trouble? If you have something to say, say it, and I'll do with it what I want. Words from strangers on my email screen carry little weight. I can really only trust what I see, be it from strangers and friends. If you didn't forward my name, I apologize, but I can't think of anyone else who would care to do so.

This e-mail was quite interesting – she was defensive (as I was) and revealed she was receiving other mail from other people about Lestat (as had also happened to me). Clearly other people were trying to warn her, or Lestat was trying to bait her and keep her off balance, as he had done with me.

Date: 7/17/99
From: Me
To: Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

No I have not forwarded your name to anyone. Perhaps another one of Lestat’s girlfriends (past or present) have discovered your relationship with him and have tried to warn you about him. I completely understand that words on a screen mean nothing from strangers. I said the same thing last year when I got an e-mail from a woman that Lestat was seeing after he had asked me to marry him. We were engaged from last June to this June. I am no stranger, Jennifer, but someone that would like to save you the agony that I have suffered from having discovered all of Lestat’s infidelities and outrageous lies during our engagement. Anyway, there is so much to say, and I would prefer to do it over the phone. Are you open to that? If so, leave me a way to reach you or I can leave your my phone number...which ever you feel more comfortable with. Please consider a phone conversation...I wish I would have been open to it a year ago myself...I can't tell you how much it would have saved me from causing emotional devastation in my life.

If you talk to Lestat about this, he will make up some story about me...tell you I am a jealous friend...or an ex girlfriend who is trying to get back at him. I don't want to hurt him...he has hurt me enough...I just would like to let you know what I would have liked to know a year ago. If I can do that for you, I will feel this whole situation has had some good ending for me...and for you too. You deserve to know the truth...but you also deserve to discover it on your own, in your own way, and you will, eventually.

BlueLoverGirl

Date: 7/18/99
From: Jennifer
To: Me

For what it's worth, I'm not romantically involved with Lestat. I would never want to commit myself exclusively to any man who traveled to unknown destinations. That's my personal preference. It makes me curious why you would agree to marry a man who lived across the country, even after negative comments from ex-girlfriends. It's none of my business, but it doesn't seem like the smartest of moves.

If you are looking out for the best interest of other women, so be it, but vindictive ex-lovers can be scary. I want no part of any kind of witch hunt. I've only known Lestat for a short while, but I managed to figure out very early on that there is much more than he seems willing to share. I don't need further proof of that. I already know it.

Jennifer refused to call me, but we continued to e-mail a few more times. Then Lestat's threats began to surface:

Date: 7/18/99
From: Me
To: Lestat

Lestat wrote:
“Why are you writing my friends and people of that sort? You have no right to do that and are infringing on their privacy the way yours was. I would appreciate you not doing that. If you feel the need to rip me, do it with your friends not with mine. You only make yourself look childish that way.”

I wrote back:
“I am not writing your friends. I received a cryptic e-mail from a Jennifer and I have absolutely no idea who she is. I wrote her AFTER she wrote to me. She said "you have the wrong address" however I have never wrote to this woman. So if she thinks she has received mail from me in the past, which was not my doing. Clearly she is a friend of yours, because she is the only person I have sent an e-mail to that might have any relation to you. If any of your friends are receiving mail in my name, it is not from me. Forward me the e-mail if you like, I can assure you they aren't mine. I have not “ripped” you to anyone of your friends. I don't even know your friends - remember? You introduced me to none of them, let alone, gave me their e-mail addresses or phone numbers. I only met your co-workers. You and I both know that e-mails can be fabricated or forged.”

Perhaps his behavior was catching up with him and others were trying to warn his women about him. I received another e-mail from Jennifer admitting she had been involved with Lestat when originally she said she was not.

Date: 7/19/99
From: Jennifer
To: Me

Yes, we were involved, when you two were engaged I'm sure, but it took me only three weeks to
realize he was a deceptive liar. Did I completely end it with him, no. But I didn't stay in contact with him because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to admit that he was warped. Lying to me is a huge cop out He is an emotional wuss and can't own up to it. It's very difficult to have respect for that type of person. I do understand wanting to believe someone you care about, though. I don't want to talk on the phone right now about this because I don't see the point. If Lestat has lied about you, then I'm sure you're angry, but consider the source. He talks the talk, but he is not a good person. I simply don't want to get involved in any anti-Lestat support group. I'm curious to know what you know, but I don't want to re-live everything, you know?

She never did call me even though I completely opened the door. I wanted to limit the e-mail contact given Lestat’s ability to hack e-mail accounts. I am sure that she told him about our e-mails (or he was hacking both our accounts), because that is when his angry threats shot to another level. I blocked his ability to e-mail me from his AOL account, but he created a hotmail account and wrote me this:

Date: 7/19/99
From: Lestat
To: Me

What you are doing is basically harassment. You are guilty of all you have hated about getting email from people you don't know. These people you are writing don't want you writing them, calling them or anything else. As for you little convention of ladies you have going on (he must be referring to Lena, Amber and myself). Share your half thoughts and misconceptions on some things, biased opinions and the like if you wish. None of you are to talk about morals and issues etc.. not you or anyone. (is he crazy???)

Lets see, you have slept with so many people I loose count on, the other ladies have taken money from field trips of classrooms, let them get hammered in Europe, and her "helper" just slept with some guy the other night that she hardly knew. My my--judges against judges. (he is really reaching here – trying to compare his litany of deceit and lies and multiple affairs, to anything in our history that might seem questionable. I am sorry Lestat, but your behavior has a category all its own.)

Bottom line is I have not harassed you or your friends. That is all you have done to me and my friends. (remember, I have never talked to any of his friends) Do you want me to do that to you? Give your friends and professional contacts a peek at all your glory? You don't really think I would delete those pictures do you? Anyway, this is crap. I just want to be left alone and not have my friends call me and trying to understand what is going on.

So, I am holding you responsible for any of the people's actions that you have contacted. If I receive another friend calling me or some stupid action on your part that causes an action on mine, then I will start doing what you are doing. Writing people and asking them do they want to see the “wild side” of you. Now, leave me alone and tell the others to do the same.

“Pictures?” you ask? Well, uh…I know, I know, it was a bad idea, but I did at one point think I was going to marry this guy. Anyway, he had some “intimate” pictures of me. At the time it seemed like a good idea – we were living on opposite end of the country – we shared photos with each other. I had “intimate” pictures of him as well, but I was so disgusted by him at the end, that I deleted them all.

Before he knew I was in contact with his various women, he assured me he had deleted all the photos of me. He even chided me that I needed to ask him to get rid of them. Now in this e-mail, he was threatening to use them against me. Shit!

I wanted to get back at him, but I didn’t want to make things worse for myself either. I resolved that if he chose to e-mail my pictures out into cyberspace, that I would have to deal with the consequences of that, and not let fear rule my decision making. However, my friends and family were advising me to just drop the whole thing and avoid him altogether, because of his threats. Some of them were concerned he might actually come after me.

Remaining in the emotional spin of trying to find out all I could about his behavior, as well as find a way to get back at him, was just prolonging my pain and suffering. It was almost irresistible not to engage in this behavior, but it was making me sick. I wanted to know the truth, but the more I found out, the more I got sucked into the pain of it all.

I decided there was nothing I could do except stop contact with him in order to begin the healing process. I also wanted to avoid his retaliation, so I sent him a very honest e-mail about what was going on with me. It was my attempt to call a truce and to let him know everything I had learned. I honestly wished he would confess, that he would admit to all he had done, but I knew he never would. I had to deal with that needed confession in another way.

This e-mail (for the next chapter) was the last contact with him I ever had.

"Lestat" 1998 - Chapter 12

2006-06-26T11:13:00.000-06:00

And then I found Amber

My efforts to find Amber were eventually successful, with Lena’s help. She and I during the months of June and July 1999 were working fervently to find all the evidence we could about Lestat’s various concurrent relationships with women. We researched every name we came across during our respective times with him. In total, we found at least 5 women he had SERIOUS relationships with during the time that he had asked BOTH of us to marry him. He also talked of marriage to many of these other women.

Amber’s story was just like ours. When we finally spoke, she explained to me she and Lestat were engaged and he had given her a ring. She described the ring: we discovered it was the same ring he had given to me in July 1998 (but then later replaced with the new ring). She confirmed many of his lies about his whereabouts to me, when he had in fact been with her. For example, Lestat told me that he attended his work Christmas party alone. Before that time, I had met his co-workers, and he told me that at the party, they were asking about me. Amber told me she went to this party with him and felt as though his coworkers were looking at her strange, as if they didn’t expect to see her there with him. By the time I finally made contact with Amber, she had already been with Lestat for a year and a half (which spanned the entirety of my relationship with him).

She also told me that on one recent occasion, they had been looking for houses together and talking about the “rest of their lives” together, when in fact he was telling me the very same thing. This saddened us both.

I explained to Amber how Lestat had described her as “unattractive and fat” and that they were “just friends” following her phone call to me at Thanksgiving. She laughed at this and sent me her picture. She was very pretty and certainly not fat.

Also, Amber and Lestat were in the same town, which made it easy for her to confirm or disconfirm many things as she had regular contact with. How he managed his relationship with her when I was in town took some skill and talent. He probably caused a fight with her in order to give excuses for avoiding her. A few things she confirmed:

1. Lestat NEVER told her he had a seizure disorder and she NEVER witnessed seizures. The same held true for Lena: she knew nothing of this. Apparently, the seizures were specially tailored for my relationship with Lestat. What cunning.

2. Lestat did NOT have a dog. During the entire year that I knew him, he told me about his German Shepard. However, when I would visit him, the dog was no where to be found. There was no dog hair in his apartment either. He always had an excuse that the dog was at the vet or in the kennel. Why he would leave the dog at a kennel for weeks at a time always baffled me. One time, he even called me crying:

“What’s the matter, Lestat??”

His words were garbled; he was sobbing uncontrollably, “I had to put my dog to sleep last night.” He was horribly upset and told me he had a seizure the night before due to the stress of putting his dog to sleep.

Clearly, he was an incredible actor, and very convincing. But he finally “put the dog to sleep”, or rather he put the “lie about the dog” to sleep. It was probably a lie that just was not worth keeping up. After all, what is the point of lying about a dog? Who cares? Amber positively confirmed there was absolutely no dog.

3. Amber was NOT the one that called the police that day they broke into Lestat’s apartment. Neither one of us could figure out who that might have been. Clearly another one of Lestat’s local lovers that he kept well-hidden.

4. Amber saw a picture of me on Lestat’s computer desk. He told her about me, “Oh, that’s BlueLoverGirl. She is a friend from the Army from a few years ago. She is recently divorced and unhappy. She has been calling me lately..I think maybe she has designs on me, but I told her I was already in a relationship.” Of course, at the time, Amber bought the story, as I did about all the other women I came across.

After having conversations with both Lena and Amber, I was on fire. I didn’t want to really hurt Lestat, but I DID want to get back at him. But how? The three of us came up with some crazy ideas like exposing him on some nation-wide talk show, but that seemed to be a bad idea, although very tempting.

I settled on a little deviousness myself, but it wasn’t well-thought out and didn’t really go the way I planned. I hoped to get some sort of confession from Lestate, so I created a fake e-mail address and sent Lestat the following message to she how he might respond. Up until this point, I had not had any communication with him about what I had learned from Lena and Amber. To my knowledge, he was in the dark about all of this, so this e-mail must have come as quite a shock to him:

Date: 7/10/99
From: fake email
To: Lestat

Mr. Lestat:

I am aware of your fraudulent activities. I know about the multiple women you see concurrently. I know you ask many of them to marry you quickly. I know that you have sex with these women without protection. Are you aware, Mr. Lestat that HIV and STD's are a serious problem in this country? I know about the women in Georgia, the one in Florida, the one in California and the one in New York. I know about the others as well.....and about the ones you pursue over the internet. I have all of their names, phone numbers and e-mail addresses.

I know about the poetry and writings that you have stolen from other sources and passed off as your own. This Mr. Lestat, is plagiarism, a serious offense, as if the above is not offensive enough.

I know that you seek out women through numerous internet personals and telepersonals and develop serious relationships with them. Many at a time. I know that you prey on their weaknesses and vulnerabilities and change things about your personality and physical appearance to attract them. I know that you lie about who you are.

You Mr. Lestat, are a pathological liar and true sociopath. You lack any form of guilt or remorse for what you do to these various women, who appear to trust and believe in you, despite the evidence right in front of them. You do these things because you know you can. You know you can get away with it. If you loose one, you simply move onto the next, or the "other" as the case may be. Because you have no intention on being true to these women, it is no loss to you if they find out about your fraudulent behavior or if they leave you for other reasons. It takes you a tremendous amount of energy in juggling and planning your time to be with these various women all over the country. You make mistakes though....you leave evidence behind you. You are not clean in your attempts to cover up. You always construct lies that are easy to check on...and you are found out.

You lie to your co-workers and boss as well. You have had many years of practice at this and are very good at it. You have fine tuned the ability to discover quickly where someone's weak spot is, and you use it to your advantage to win them over...to make them believe that you are who you say you are. However, the illusion you create can only last so long, because you are messy and leave evidence for others to find.

You want to get caught because it takes too much energy to keep up the illusion. If you get caught, you can relax and start over with someone else. The game for you is in maintaining the illusion - to see how far you can go to convince and pull off the deceit time and time again. You find women who are intelligent and challenging. The game is to trick them as long as you can. You win if they fall in love with you and pledge eternal devotion...which many of them have.

You are a disturbed individual, one that "gets off" on maintaining such deceit with as many people as possible. You are a hollow human being. You have no heart and a dirty soul.

I have been watching you for a long, long time. What do you suppose your women, family, friends and co-workers would do if they were all to discover this information about you? They could not deny it, because there is so much evidence that has been gathered about your activities, and who you really are.

A confession on your part would be the best course of action...if the information comes from someone else, there is no telling what type of ramifications could result.

Mr.Caught You

I felt anxiety and triumph at sending such a note, but it was not identifiable from me. I was just asking for trouble, but I couldn’t think what else to do. He sent a short note back to this e-mail address basically saying, “this is harassment and don’t contact me again.” Then wrote a simple, yet sinister note to me:

Subj: hi
Date: 7/11/99
From: Lestat
To: Me

bad move. :(

Although the message was brief, it sent my anxiety soaring, because I knew he could retaliate if he wanted to. Although limited in words, his angry and vengeful response reached me through cyberspace and choked me with fear in that very moment. He assumed the fake e-mail came from me, but it could have come from Amber, Lena, or any one of the other women that he was ten-timing. This made me think he had hacked into my e-mail and was monitoring my messages. My mistake was creating the fake account from my current AOL account instead of using Yahoo or Hotmail. If he had access to my AOL account, he would have easily seen the newly created e-mail address the message game from. This was not the first time I suspected he was hacking into my e-mail.

He did begin to retaliate, but his retaliation came after I found yet another woman, Jennifer.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 11

2006-06-19T20:46:00.000-06:00

The Women Began to Emerge

Following the e-mail break up with Lestat, I received a rogue e-mail from the Villainess From New York. She accidentally sent me an e-mail, and then quickly apologized for sending it. I took it as divine intervention putting me back in touch with her to finally set the story strait. I quickly discovered she was not a villainess. She was in fact, another victim caught in Lestat’s deceitful web. I shall rename her here as Lena. Here is an excerpt of our e-mail conversation:

Date: 6/29/99
From: Me
To: Lena

Hi Lena,

You are probably surprised to be hearing from me, but I wanted to check in which you about something. Recently Lestat and I broke up and I have reason to believe he might have been unfaithful. I was wondering if anything you said to me last year was true or if it was all made up. I have no intention of confronting Lestat with the information...I just want it for myself so I can have some resolution, just for me. I am not planning on getting you in trouble in any way based on what you say.

I guess my question is, did the two you of have a romantic relationship in any way and was it during the time he and I were together (we got together in late May, 1998). I would appreciate your honesty. I know you sent him an e-mail after the incident last year admitting that you lied....but I can't help but wonder. You don't have to respond, I just thought you might be able to shed a little light on the situation for me.

thanks,
BlueLoverGirl

Subj: Re: a question...
Date: 6/29/99
From: Lena
To: Me

Hello BlueLoverGirl,

I don't know what to say besides the truth...I try not to think too much about that time in my life, but believe me--everything I've said is true. Furthermore, I NEVER sent an email admitting that I lied, but it doesn't surprise me that somehow he found a way to doctor up/cut and paste text into an old email message and make it appear that way. I wonder what reason did he give as to why I would make up such a story...what would I have to gain?

Regardless...I will try to answer some of your questions.

That day I called you in July was not pleasant day for me. My intentions were honest. I said what I had to say and it was now "out there." I had nothing to gain from it and felt it was the right thing to do. Besides, deep down, maybe I felt it wasn't fair he get away with it so easily.

I was in Lestat’s humid Southern town that weekend on a planned visit. He "suddenly" got called away on business and he was off to your breezy beachy town. He told me to stay at his house with the understanding that he was going to try and take care of his business and be home before the weekend was through. During the course of that evening, all my suspicions that I was suppressing resurfaced. Maybe it was all the unplanned business trips, the amount of numbers he had saved on his caller ID, missed/unanswered phone calls, stories that just didn't jive, mysterious cryptic phone calls that I over heard while visiting, and he was on the computer a lot. Initially to ease suspicions of the amount of time he was spending on the computer, I had a friend of my post fictions personal ads on the same service that we met on just to see if he'd bite...and, of course, he did.

If you want to see the correspondence and timeframes involved for yourself-access hotmail.com. There are 2 accounts that were used--login as: Traci_tlc password: kitten and login as: Shea_Burton password: kitten. You will see that some of the emails span over the times you and he were involved. In fact, some are recent. Some of the emails state that he doesn't have a girlfriend when in fact I believe he was engaged to you. He also tried to "meet" Shea. At that point, I stopped the game by not replying anymore. What was the point, I already new.

While visiting one weekend in June, there was card posted on his door from a girl who lives across the hall that was signed "love always." I pretended not to have read it and gave it to him. He read it and tossed it in the garbage saying it was from his friend Amber and it was nothing big. I knew at that point he was lying because the card was not from Amber. When I confronted him, he snapped at me...how dare I read his mail-in retrospect.

How dare he lie? He was hiding stuff, my gut told me so. After he left me at this house that weekend, I started digging. I had to know. I found other girls panties in his spare bathroom drawers, emails and photos of you on his computer, long with other girls I didn't know. I was devastated at my sights! I confronted him with my fears and he always made me feel like the bad person for questioning his feelings. I wanted so much to believe in him and that I was wrong, but now I had my proof. I immediately called and cab and flew home. I haven't looked back since.

Unfortunately to answer your question, we were romantically involved up until that point in July. Making love to me the same day that he flew to see you in July and constantly reassuring me that he loved me was just short of cruel and indecent. In the month of June, I did get the feeling he was pushing away a bit. When I approached him with my insecurities, he would dismiss it and reassure me over and over. He would tell me his issues were all work related. All I wanted was the truth. If he wanted to break things off, all he had to do was tell me. That would have been better than all I was faced with. Instead he lied and deceived which made the situation worse.

I have haven't spoken with Lestat since July of last year (when I made my revelations) so nothing you could confront Lestat with now would get me in any trouble. He'd just deny it anyway weaseling and sweet talking his way out of it, like he did that evening in July when I called you and before you knew what hit you, you would be the one apologizing and feeling guilty.

I have nothing to gain by what I say--neither then nor now. I spoke nothing but the truth to you all along. It irritates me to think that he still might be playing games and perhaps getting away with it. I always thought that someday he'd "get what's due him" for what he did to my feelings. Unfortunately, it appears as if another innocent person may be involved. Whatever you discover, listen to your intuition and good luck to you. If you would like to talk to me personally, I'd be open to that. Just let me know. I'm sorry for the lengthiness of this letter, but I hope that what I've written will be of help to you.

Lena

Date: 6/30/99 8:00:52 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Lena
To: Me

BlueLoverGirl,

Since I received you message, I went through some of my email archives and found the below email message I sent to Lestat in July, shortly after I discovered his infidelity. Re-reading it now I realize it may sound a bit harsh, it was all "fresh" then. I was angry and hurt, justfully so. Everything I said was the truth.

Lena

Lestat: I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling, the things you said to BlueLoverGirl sting like a thorn, but under the circumstances I guess I will understand.

Lena: First of all, No, you cannot even being to imagine what I am feeling...All the things I said to BlueLoverGirl were facts and you know it. Under the circumstances, there is nothing for you to understand. I only speak the truth...something which you are incapable of.

Lestat: I am not the person you portray me to be and if it is easier for you to justify things that way then so be it.

Lena: You're right. The person who I knew professed honesty, truth, consideration...all of which you failed to practice. You portray yourself as this person with heart and feeling. You portray yourself as a man of principal. All of which your actions speak otherwise. Even as far as last week, you told me pointblank you were not involved with anyone and if you were, you'd tell me. You always said you'd be honest with me. Things didn't have to be this way--if you would have been honest with me, I really would have understood. Yes, it may have hurt for a bit, but I would have appreciated your honesty and integrity. Maybe we could have developed a friendship. But you chose to be deceitful and hurting.

Lestat: You have no understanding of me or anybody for that matter. Your thoughts are so wrapped up in your on mind that nothing real or new can enter freely.

Lena: I am more understanding then you will ever be. I am seeing things very real. You are so wrapped up in your own needs and wants that you lie and cheat your way to them. Bottom line, you are only considerate of you. You act like you are Mr. Compassion and Honesty but when it all boils down...what did you chose but lies. How does that reflect on you? I was always open minded and considerate of your feelings. I believed in you when my head was telling me not to. The only thing that did not enter my mind freely was how insensitive and inconsiderate you could be of someone feelings. How is it that you can ask 2 girls to marry you within weeks? How is it that you are not ashamed of sleeping with 2 different girls and lying to both? How is it that you are capable of getting up in the middle of the night and looking at your caller ID, seeing it was BlueLoverGirl that was calling, and crawl back into bed with me?

Lestat: The hurt you feel is brought about by your own doing, something that I should have told you long ago, but was to tenderhearted to say to you.

Lena: What a joke! You really believe you can do no wrong! A tenderhearted person of any integrity and honesty would have told the truth and not continued like so. You talk a good tale about honesty and truth when your behavior has proven otherwise, yet, I'm sure you've managed to bat your eyelashes, eloquently speak, and side step your way clean...maybe you used the line that you used on me "If you could only look into my heart, you'd know how much you really mean to me and you wouldn't doubt any longer." No wonder you can't sleep at night harboring all that ugliness.

Lestat: How many times did you show up at my door unexpected, with no warning from NY. Was I overjoyed or angry-you remember. The last time you did that you were back on a plane no more than 3 hours later.

Lena: Last time I was there I was not on a plane within 3 hours--We went to Six Flags, we went furniture shopping, we made love, we went bowling, played putt-putt etc. Last time I was there, you asked me to marry you. Technically, Last time I was there (this past Wed., Thurs., Fri) you were talking about how you wanted to keep me around and how good I was for you. Lies, Lies, Lies...how can you look at yourself on that high pedestal you've put yourself on and think you are a respectable person. How could you, as you were driving away to the airport tell me "I Love You" knowing that you're going to see another girl? It's apparent that those words come easily to you and lack the true meaning behind them. The time I had to leave quickly was because of my nieces’ first communion party. If I recall, you wished I could stay longer. Don't turn it around, because I only reacted and responded to what you let me believe.

Lestat: The friendly things that I shared with you and vise versa the advice we gave each other, the kind words etc.. it hurts me to know that this is the way that it ended. But we each sew our own seeds, walk our own path etc....

Lena: Hurts you? Not possible. You have shown me that you are uncaring and insensitive. For a kind, tenderhearted person would have not carried on the way you did with both me and BlueLoverGirl.

Lestat: Bottom line is your violation of privacy is unheard of, if you are judging me under pretenses made up in your head, I would be not better to be bitter against you as it would only cause me to manifest worse things upon me.

Lena: Made up in my head? They are facts, black and white--You've lied and been unfaithful. Don't try and deny it nor try and pass if off as being tenderhearted. You Need Help. You really work so hard at believing your own lies. You do a good job bullshitting your way thru things and turning things around so they are not your fault. You can't even admit you've lied and been unfaithful and dishonest to me and BlueLoverGirl! What is your reason for sleeping with me every time I was there? What about all the "I love you's" and "I really need to keep you around." Do those words come from a person who professes honesty and commitment? As for the violation of your privacy...it's funny because I believe that if I hadn't found out that way, you'd still be smooth talking your way around, afterall that's what you have been doing for the past month or so.

Lestat: I am sorry that you view things the way you do

Lena: I now finally view the truth, don't be sorry.

Lestat: I am sorry they have not worked out as you would have liked. But as you go down a vindictive path, you will only have bad things follow you.

Lena: You are the one who needs to take a look at yourself and your actions and try to justify them anyway you can, but know this as YOU go down your deceitful and conniving path, you will only have bad thing follow you. You have disappointed me...I thought you were a better person that that. You've shown your true colors--a hypocrite, a player, a liar. I hope that someday BlueLoverGirl, or whoever it may be at the moment, does not get blindsided by your smooth words and carefully calculated stories.

Lestat: As I said before, I am not the person you perceive me to be,

Lena: I'm perceiving nothing but just the way you are.

Lestat: I do not label you codependent, even when your actions would warrant such a call, I have had nothing but good things to say about you. It is sad that it cannot be that way with everyone. Take care of yourself.

Lena: That's ok, I do not label you as a cheat or a fake, even when your actions and behavior warrant such a call. I will just label you unworthy. Sadly, I find it hard to dig deep enough to even think good things about you. Lastly, what a disappointment you have been! Not only in the terms of a relationship, but also as a person. I thought you were a man of character. I believed in and supported you--I was there as much as I could be for your father’s death. I did nothing bad to you to deserve such dishonesty. You have hurt me deeply and yet managed to amaze me that there are self-centered players like you out there in this world and that is sad. I want to forget that I ever met you.

Lena

P.S.--You didn't have a dog. (lie)
You never did get the bookshelf and patio furniture delivered.(lie)
After the tornado, you didn't move across hall into a different apt. (lie)
The card taped to your door was from your neighbor, not Amber (lie)

**Petty little lies, but it shows that you can lie about anything with straight face.

Note to BlueLoverGirl: Don't expect honesty from this man. He can snow you with words and passion, but inside he is capable of unspeakable and hurtful things. Be warned. Just when you let your guard down, he takes advantage. He will twist and turn words so that you think you did something wrong by the end of the conversation. Knowing how he has consistently lied and cheated on both of us only proves he isn't what he makes himself out to be. He has already cheated and lied once to you...he can do more. I wish you
luck and strength.

Date: 6/30/99
From: Me
To: Lena

Yes, I remember this message. Either he forwarded it to me, or you did, I don't remember. He called you psycho and that you were just a friend that obviously had feelings for him and was jealous of our relationship. He claimed you knew everything about me - that you two talked almost every day - the reason for all the personal details you knew. He said he met you one time in NY and nothing happened. He of course denied to me ever sleeping with you. he made you sound crazy...really crazy, and I am sorry to say, I bought it...our relationship was all new, I wanted to believe what he was telling me.

Quickly, Lena and I began communicating by phone and comparing notes during the time he was with both of us. She had discovered evidence of several other women when she knew him, as did I. We were both curious about Amber and wanted to get in touch with her. Lena remembered her last name. It was a fairly common last name, but I opened the phone book and began calling every Amber with that last name until I found her.

My conversation with Amber was even more enlightening.

Responding to Comments

2006-06-11T01:18:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone, I just returned from my 2-week journey out of town and barely touched a computer.

I just read the comments to my last post and here is my reply:

Mollymcmommy: yes, probably on crack, or just plain crazy. He did have a lot of prescription meds around his house for god knows what!

Island: Wow! Glad you recognized the poem. In previous posts I mentioned how he plagiarised other poems and sent them to me as if they were his own words. This was just yet another example of this type of behavior.

Lola: yes, indeed a real asshole of galactic proportions! If you haven't read from the beginning, you are likely to be fully entertained by his various antics.

Myboyfriend: He was definitely floundering when he sent the e-mail back. I am sure he didn't know how to save face with this one.

Anonymous: Actually, my relationship was not private. All my friends and family knew about us and the problems we were having. If you read the prior posts in the story, you will see what lead up to this event of me sending out the e-mail. Your response suggests that you sympathize with him, also suggesting that you have not read about all the things that he did. I do not regret sending the group e-mail, what I regret was not blind copying the addresses, because that was how he was able to respond to all my friends and family. That was my mistake, and yes, I was trying to get a reaction out of him, after all he had done. I was devastated by his behavior. He really fucked me over. And yes this happened almost 8 years ago. Am I still dwelling? Well, actually, because this is my blog I get to write about what ever I want. You don't have to read it if it offends you.

And let me let YOU in on a little secret - I was NOT done with him. This story is not yet over. I was emotionally wrapped up in the lies and wreckage he created in my life. You really need to read the prior posts to understand, but if you don't like the story, you don't have to stick around:)

My family and friends were not burdened with my personal life. They were my support system and knew everything that was going on. By sending that e-mail I was sending a message and a huge "fuck you" to Lestat. He reacted, but I got him in the end, and that part of the story comes in another post...

K: I think he sent the letter to "bleed" the hearts of my friends and family as a part of his narcissistic reaction to cover his ass. He was completely out of control at this point.

sjblogger: Amen brother!!! I agree, someone who makes angry statements about having integrity, should probably have enough integrity to identify themselves!! Ha!

Mollymcmommy: Could be Lestat, again in disguise:) he was always sending me e-mail from "other people" trying to trick and trap me.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 10

2006-05-27T14:27:00.000-06:00

The Final Missed Flight, Finally

After our last e-mail tirade, we exchanged a few more e-mails and conversations that were somewhat civil, but we continued to fight nonetheless. I was finally loosing my patience. At long last, I was triumphant in taking the high road after trudging along so far on the low road.

We planned another trip to see each other in late June 1999. Of course my temperamental Lestat did not make his plane once again. My tolerance had broken, as my spirit had been. I finally had enough, believe it or not. As a result, I sent the following letter to my family and friends, also CCing my demonic lover. This was my way of letting him know I was finally done with him. My mistake was not blinding my family and friends’ e-mail addresses, you will see why in a moment.

June 26, 1999
To: Family and Friends
From: Me

Hi everyone,

I think perhaps many of you have been thinking about what has transpired in my life over the past few months, and I know many of you have been worried. Some of you may not know many or any details of the downfall of my relationship with Lestat. I am writing to all of you to let you know that the relationship is over, and I am sure many of you will be thrilled to hear that, while at the same time you probably will be feeling bad, considering how awful I have been feeling lately.

So, why is it over? Well, many of you know of the difficulties that began months ago and I suppose it has taken this time for me to find my tolerance level, which I am sure some of you would agree, should have been hit many months ago. Several of you suspected that perhaps he never had a job lined up out here in the first place. Well, I suspected that as well, but I will never know for sure. All I know is that he never followed through on moving here...and I have heard so many excuses from him as to the reasons why, my head has become so cloudy. Perhaps he never had the job and was just stringing me along until he could find one. Perhaps he did have the job, but he got cold feet and could not admit to me or himself that he was not ready to take such a large step. I will never know for sure. Whatever the case I have felt strung along in the process. I have thought perhaps he was not being entirely truthful with me. Whether I am right or wrong about that I will never know...but there is something to be said about listening to one's gut. I have always held strong to my intuition and it has served me well in my life.

Many of you also suspected that perhaps he was seeing other people. Believe me, I suspected that months and months ago, and even have evidence that would support that suspicion. However, this is a question that I cannot answer for sure. I will never know...but that would explain why he did not move out. Some of you even thought he might be leading a double life....sounds crazy, but I suppose things like that do happen...just not to me :) He denied vehemently that he would ever do such a thing. But I have to tell you many times he accused or suspected me of cheating. And what do we all know about someone who is feeling guilty about their behavior? They tend to turn it around on the other person so that the focus is elsewhere. Also, someone who cheats will always suspect their partner...because they know how easy it can be. Again, I will never know for sure.

Whatever the reason for his not following through with the move has never been clear to me. I have only received excuses, and I am sure many of you were tired of ME making excuses for him in the first place for every time he missed an important event that he said he would be at...for every month that went by without a plan for the move. Believe me I got just as tired of it as you did.

Several of you have thought that perhaps he has been lying to me about many things. Again, I will never know for sure if he has lied and why he would, but I have to tell you, I agree it sure looks that way...even regarding small things...and as big as the reasons for not giving me my engagement ring in a timely manner (which most of you know he took back last month after I told him that I was unhappy and felt strung along).

Many of you were concerned about the bizarre nature of occurrences in his life that began impacting me. Many of you asked, "Why does he attract such strange things in his life and do you want that too?" Of course I don't know the answer for him, but I do know that the strange and unusual things that have happened have taken their toll on me and I want no more of it. I suppose there comes a point when you feel someone's baggage is simply too much of a burden...especially if it is overwhelming and making you unhappy.

All of you have seen my dismay and disappointment at all the broken promises that began early in our relationship. I have to say, this has probably been the most difficult of all our problems. In recent months I have come to trust that he cannot be held to his word. He was predictably inconsistent and inconsiderate. Many of you have consoled me time and time again after he didn't show up weekend after weekend. Looking back I see the pattern started only a few months in to our relationship when he would cancel plans to see me at the very last minute because he had to work, couldn't get a flight or missed his flight. This has happened so many times over the past year that I cannot even count. The effect this had on me was continually having to deal with massive disappointment which eventually lead to anger and resentment. I stopped believing him when he said he was coming to see me, and I stopped looking forward to any plans we had, because honestly, I could never be sure if he would follow through.

Besides not following through on our plans to see each other, there were many other types of broken promises. Christmas gifts that he took back claiming he said he wanted to return them for something better - I never saw them again. Promised financial support which ranged from paying for airline tickets and phone bills as well as helping me through the summer - many times he did not follow through, leaving me in a financial bind, and extremely angry. He promised special trips - they never occurred (except he took me to Key West for my birthday - the only one he followed through on). Some of you will remember trips to Jamaica, New Orleans and Japan that didn't happen because he waited until the last minute to plan...so of course they fell through. Disappointment after disappointment.

So why has it taken a year for me to give this up? Well I suppose in isolation, the things above didn't look so bad (and mind you there are many things I have not addressed here). However, when the patterns began to emerge, then I started to have doubts about how things were going. It took a while for me to really see the patterns and accept them as true problems..instead of just trying to convince myself that things would be okay. Also, Lestat was a master at always saying the right thing to make me feel better about a situation. He knew just what to say so that I would hang in there. The problem was, his words didn't seem to match his behavior, and I suppose I held on, attempting to give him a chance to prove that his words did match what he did. However, time proved to me the opposite.

The straw that broke the camels back occurred last weekend. We had not seen each other since March - the trip to Key West for my birthday. He made several attempts to see me since then, all of them failed...an excuse for everyone one of them. I have to ask myself why is it so difficult for a person to get on a plane when millions of people do it every day? Anyway, last weekend was yet another attempt to see each other and deal with these problems face to face, as things were quickly deteriorating over the phone. We were fighting a lot and I knew the distance between us would only make that worse. He planned to be here last Friday night and once again missed his flight because of work. He attempted to take another flight and missed that one as well. I was already feeling like, "uh oh..here we go again." So he didn't even call me directly to let me know he missed the later flight - he paged me instead to avoid an argument. He tried to get a flight the next morning but couldn't. Again he paged me instead of calling me directly. He probably knew I had had enough and I was going to let him have it. His message said, "I will call you when I get home." That was a week ago today and he did not call me. Do you suppose he got caught in traffic?

So here I am a week later from our one year anniversary date. Exactly one year ago last weekend we met in person for the first time. Although I was in no mind to celebrate this anniversary considering the difficulties we were having, I thought it rather symbolic that he should "blow it" on that particular weekend. I also thought it very interesting that he would not call me directly...or call me ever again for that matter. His message to me in that behavior is very clear. He is done with me just as much as I am done with him. For whatever reason he could not handle the pressure of our relationship and I couldn't not handle being with someone I could no longer count on or trust.

So I have written this to all of you to let you know where I am at with this whole thing. Finished, done, over, caput. This relationship has completed its course, it is finally over. I am sad and will grieve this loss, indeed.

Thanks to all of you for being there for me.

Love

BlueLoverGirl

A day later, he responded with his own letter, except that he CCed all my friends and family! Just another example of his true sickness. Yet I was a dumbass for not blinding those addresses!! Below is what he said, and notice how he avoided explaining why he missed his plane and never called me again. Instead, he blames me in the first sentence for what was happening now. Here is what he said:

June 27, 1999

Dearest BlueLoverGirl

Just at the time I was writing you a note to say thanks for your strength and thoughts. You advertise to the world the thought that only they will be able to hear from you. And believe in me to be true. Those are your thoughts and you should not be manipulating people to believe them. Of course you have always been good at that. If bringing you closure means writing what you just wrote. Then I am supportive of that. I want what is best for you and what you want. Knowing that it is not me, is one small disappointment. Your closure should have been with me first. Now there are people thinking that what you wrote is true. Where you are incorrect on many instances. You have succeeded in making me look terrible in their eyes, as I won’t refute what you said against me. It is not my place to do so with your family and friends. You will have to live with that and what you said. Not me.

None of these people really have an affect on my life at all. In a way all of us do, but then again do not. They love and care for you..and that is all that matters. If they support you and their belief is he is terrible and it is best that it is over. Then the support will be stronger now and that is important. I will take the brunt and the burden of the bad guy...the way I always have. It is old hat to me now.

So much I would like to say how relieved life has been since I missed that last plane. What you did and how you did it etc....But what I can say is this. I loved you more than anything, still do actually. Your thoughts and laughs creep into my mind as I see an instance that we shared. As the rain came down the other day, your smile caused mine. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned and grew from where I thought I couldn't. Your hand holding showed me much. Both things that I want and do not want in my life. Nonetheless, your catalyst is love and always will be.

Reasons being that it is over. Many I could name, I am sure but few could I justify really. Some I can agree with you fully, many I can't. I am indeed a worry wart of sorts and confusing in my own right. But you I gave unconditionally, I loved without question, I just knew. And when feelings are damaged with me , or us, we both withdraw...and this time I suppose we withdrew completely, for causes that are real or not..none the less....we did.

I could sit here and argue points about what you said about he job plans etc.....but for what. Like two kids in a playground fighting...it makes no sense and I am not privy to that anymore. It only results in two people trying to change another..and that we are both not wanting to do. But oh, how our lives were parallel in times. Music, dancing, singing in the car...eating.....kissing. Seemed as though our souls danced before we did. Perhaps we broke them up...stopped the music, maybe I did, maybe you. At the end of the day...my soul danced with one of the most beautiful ones I have ever encountered...I had you for a small time. But none the less, I held and kissed and laughed and well, yes I did have you. You are amazing despite,....and you were loved and are.

Looking back...on the memories of
The dance we shared, neath the stars above
If for only then...all the world was right
How was I to know, that we would ever say goodbye
And now, I am glad I didn't know, the way it all would end
the way it all would go....our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain...but I would have to miss
the dance.
Holding you, I held everything..for the moment, I felt I was the king
If I had only known, how the king would fall,
Maybe whose to say, you know I might have changed it all......
And now, I am glad I didn't know, the way it all would end
the way it all would go....our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain...but I would have to miss
the......... dance.

Good journey to you, my love

The Satanic, Demonic Lover of the Devil, Lestat

What the hell is up with the poem at the end??? He was ever so cheesy in his plagiarized romantic attempts to seduce me or make me feel guilty. What is up with all the romantic talk about the rain and my smile??? Is he nuts?? (well, yes actually, he is). Don’t you find it strange that he would respond this way to my friends and family, who have heard everything from my side and are ON MY SIDE anyway? What did he think?...that they would believe him over me??? A true mark of his pathological narcissism in full force. He was very clever in his words to make me look like the bad guy, but he didn’t know what I was about to find out…

Because that is when I got an accidental e-mail from the Villainess from New York. It was quite serendipitous this should happen and opened up a WHOLE CAN OF WORMS that Lestat didn’t see coming!

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 9

2006-05-18T10:37:00.000-06:00

Inconsistent v. Liar

Following the money drain, my Demonic Lover asked for his ring back. In an impulsive move, I sent it back. Now I wish I had kept it, simply to verify that it was a fake diamond. I have no doubt it was a fake. There is no way he would have spent that much money on a diamond for someone he never intended to marry.

What prompted the return of the ring? It was now early May 1999, almost a year after we met on-line. When we met, he told me that he had a job lined up where I lived and was moving within a few months. That would have put him in my breezy beachy town sometime in the summer of 1998. Yet it was May 1999, and his moving plans changed so many times, I didn’t know what to believe. By now I was feeing strung along, and yet I didn’t have the full picture as to why.

I told him of my feelings about being strung along and he reacted in true Lestat fashion with narcissistic rage and demanded I give the ring back. So I did.

One would think this would be the natural end, but it was not. I tried to work things out still. Why? Glutton for punishment, probably. Soon after the ring fiasco, we talked about having a visit to try and reconcile. His plans were to fly me to Orlando to have a romantic weekend and talk things over (strange that he chose Orlando because didn’t he say he didn’t even like Orlando?) So many times by now, he had failed to follow through on trips and plans we made; he missed many supposed flights for odd and unacceptable reasons. I no longer had faith he would actually show up or plan the trip when he said he was going to. I told him of my fear of his inconsistent behavior.

He flew into a rage, told me I was calling him a liar, and hung up on me.

I didn’t call him back but instead, sent the following e-mail:

Date: 5/27/99 2:43:03 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Me
To: Him

Inconsistent: Webster's definitions: a) lacking agreement in kind, nature, form etc.; not in harmony or accord; incompatible; b) not uniform; not holding together; self-contradictory; c) not holding to the same principles or practice; changeable.

Is there any part of that definition that says lying? No. Did I call you a liar? No. Did you use those words? Yes. Before you go flying off the handle maybe you should think about that by NOT being immature and NOT hanging up on me. Am I being condescending right now? Yes.

Do I think you are inconsistent? Yes yes yes. You contradict yourself often and what you say and what you do is sometimes, if not often, inconsistent. The reason I don't know what will happen, even when you give me your word on something, is because of the inconsistency. Do you know that every time we have plans to see each other, I tell my friends, "Well, he is supposed to be here tomorrow, but I never really know what is going to happen." Is it okay with you that I see you that way? Probably not. You will say that is my issue and my problem. You are right. Do I want to be in a relationship in which I feel like I can never count on stability and consistency? In the long run no. Do you want to be with someone who questions you even when you say you are going to do something? Probably not.

Do I want to be with someone who fails to see the long term negative impact on me that inconsistency has? In the long run no. In one conversation you can change your story 3 times. What do you want me to believe? Why do you give me so much conflicting information? Do you really expect me not to question you when that happens? Nice trick of getting me not to question you on your inconsistencies by getting mad, making me look like I have accused you of lying and hanging up on me. Brilliant. No 5 year old could have done better.

Am I being a bitch? Yes. Do I care? No.

I am not happy with the fact that I can't believe everything that you say. That is very uncomfortable for me. So is that my problem? Yes. What do I do with it? I guess that is for me to decide because it seems too much for you to handle. Your way of handling the truth is by leaving the situation. Very mature. You are going to have to decide if you want to be with someone who sugarcoats her feelings and thoughts just to make sure you are okay, or if you want someone who is honest. I am honest with you, however, I have been guilty of sugarcoating stuff so that you would not run out, hang up or turn things around. I can no longer do that. Perhaps you expect or want me to continue being that way, but I will not. If it means I have to cover up what I really see and think, I won't do it. I am suffering for it now and I refuse to do it any longer. If I don't hold my own integrity in tact, you will have no partner that is worthwhile of being your mate.

Relationships can be really shitty. Ours is in the toilette right now. Do you want to grow up and learn how to deal with the shit or do you want to escape like you have in every other relationship when things got uncomfortable. You decide what you want and hold your own integrity in tact. I have always escaped when things got too tough. I don't want to do that with you. I thought I was better than that now. It takes two and I am not wiling to go it alone.

He didn’t respond to my e-mail mail and didn’t call. He didn’t follow through, once again with our plans to see each other. The date of this event came and went within a few days: He, as usual, was incognito. He never called to explain. In my boiling rage, I sent the following e-mail:

Subj: I am leaving tomorrow
Date: 5/28/99 4:44:53 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Me
To: Him

Honey, you need to know that I feel your behavior is inexcusable. You have ignored me and blown me off one too many times. Your lack of communication with me tells me a lot. I have put many things on hold for you and I will do it no longer. I hope you did not think that we were playing some game to see who would contact who first. I know good and well that was your job. You hung up on me, abandoned me, and left me hanging while at the same time wondering what would happen for us this weekend. Your lack of communication to me tells me a lot about what you think about us spending time together now or in the future. I was very clear with you about what I wanted for this weekend. Make no mistake, your blowing me off and leaving me hanging is very very clear. Your actions speak much louder than your words. Again I will say, that if you have not already decided what you want from me or this relationship, you better figure that out fast, and act upon it. Unless of course your behavior over the past couple of days IS your way of acting upon it.

I am leaving town tomorrow afternoon and will be back Monday afternoon. I am hurt and crushed that you blew off this weekend. That is something I cannot be okay with.

Within an hour, he responded with a lengthy e-mail that did not address how he had blown me off. Instead, he found numerous ways to blame me for why the weekend went to shit. He never took responsibility for failing to follow through on our plans for reconciliation. Here is an excerpt from his e-mail:

Subj: Re: I am leaving tomorrow
Date: 5/28/99 5:49:10 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Him
To: Me

I have been so depressed and hurt that talking to you would only bring about anger and the like. I cannot continue to be expected to be at fault for all of the things we are doing to each other. I explained my point to you....you in no uncertain terms, called me a liar and that I was inconsistent all the time. You in no way bother to see that what you think is inaccurate in any way. Cut and dry with you, no ifs ands or butts. You take me generosity for granted and have now for sometime. Blame me if you will, but I will not take that any longer. Admitted I have to some wrong doing, but my self respect you can have no longer.

I have bent over backwards for us, accommodated you in every way I knew how. But it has never been enough. Feeling or no feelings, you take them with a grain of salt and assume a lot. I am a good guy. A decent man who has been faithful to you and adored you since day one. I have taken many sacrifices for you and way to many to mention here, and that goes without saying. I have loved you more than anything I have ever touched....planned a life with you. Now I am saddened.

I have not blown you off, you say that it was my responsibility to call you back.? No it is your responsibility to not call me a liar...if you say that you didn't, let me use one of your phrases...how do you think what you said was received by me? Follow your own advice honey....it is good.
Your last letter was pointless, no reason for that. For the past two times you have hung up on me, I have called you back. You have called me names and cursed at me continuously lately and it comes from your stresses I know, but none the less. In the beginning the tides where turned. Now it is you that is not following your own words as you have done so many times before.

You know, all I will do now is point fingers back at you and say you, you , you. And there is no reason for that. I am a bigger man than this letter. Opinions aside. I see no reason to communicate with you. There is nothing to fix here. Nothing other than tears to shed that have been doing so for days.

I feel that you have taken pieces of me along this journey. Some changing me for the good. Some bad. I have learned the most with you about me. Not from you but from me. I had the plans for you to come this weekend. After you called me a liar, you struck deep and down. That really hurt very badly , badly indeed. Lets play advocate and say that you didn't say that, when I ask you are you saying that I am lying and you said I don't know. Honey, anyway you slice it....that is a liar you are calling.

What is to say. I didn't want this weekend like this...Orlando would have been a nice distraction....198 round trip I had it for. Just check the web site if you don't believe. Or 233 for you to come here on. Sad no matter. But you will adjust. I will be blamed and for the cause of it all, so your actions in your mind will be clear. I have no idea where you are going, I am sure that it would not be something that I would approve of. Just be careful honey, regret you will have to live with. Mind your decisions. They can haunt a lifetime. I know this already.

I am a deep caring individual, feels things to the core, with a good career, home and experience and things that I have done people have only dreamed about. It is a new day for me. No more feeling like a second fiddle. No more giving up me and no more bending over backwards for people who do not appreciate it and continuously ask for more. In the words of you my love and only angel. The one I love above all else. I am taking care of me.

He sounds pretty convincing, doesn’t he? He does a good job of making me look like the bad guy and that I am to blame for why he didn’t follow through. Sprinkled throughout his letter are comments about him being “faithful” and “good” and “bending over backwards”--all techniques of a sociopathic narcissist to deflect, deceive and avoid blame. As you probably already know, his "angelic personna" was a ruse, but I had yet to discover the fuller extend of his womanizing and pathological lying.

I wanted to call him on his shit, so I sent the following response:

Subj: Re: I am leaving tomorrow
Date: 5/29/99 9:23:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Me
To: Him

There is NO way I will take ANY responsibility for this weekend going to hell. I did NOT call you a liar. YOU used those words. You assumed that because I called you inconsistent that that meant you were a liar. I said "I don't Know" because that is true, I DON"T know the reasons for you inconsistency. You could be lying, you could be confused, you could be overwhelmed, you could be disorganized. Whatever the reason, it doesn't look good. I will not take responsibility for something you assumed and made a terrible decision about.

This weekend was very important to me (as apparently it was not so for you), because I felt we needed to be together, as the separation only makes things worse. When things are bad, being separated does NOT help!! It only causes more animosity and distance. Why could you not see that for yourself? We needed to be together, angry or no, hurt or no, to deal with what is happening between us. You sabotaged that and now we don't have that very important opportunity. What would you do if we were living together and I made you mad? Run out of the house, get in your car and drive away for two days? Perhaps you would, but you would have to deal with the consequences, and pay a very big price, for your behavior. Now you have that luxury of hanging up on me and not ever calling me back. It is easy for you to do that, because you are not committed to this relationship like you would be if we were together, in the same city, in the same house. You could not just hang up on me then, you would HAVE to face it and deal with it, no matter how uncomfortable it made you. A commitment like that is for better or worse, remember? Apparently, your commitment to me only goes so far...as far as things are good and happy. Once you are uncomfortable and your feelings are hurt and you no longer hold "amazing" status, and are simply a human again, you have to bail. You have done it time and time again with me. How do you expect to move beyond that unless you stay connected to the person you love and deal with it?

Yes I have hung up on you a couple of times, and yes you called me back right away. Because you did that, you will never know if I would have called you back. But I guarantee I would not have blown off or cancelled plans just because I was hurt or mad at you. I would have called you back in a few hours, maybe the next day and talked to you. I wouldn't have completely let things go without dealing with it.

It sounds like you have given up. I can't believe you would write me a letter outlining all the "wonderful sacrifices" you have made for me and for us. You make it sound everything you did was a huge sacrifice and that you did SO much with no appreciation from me. Let me remind you that whenever I said thank you, that was not enough. You wanted me to say it FIVE times or more, down on my knees, putting on a big show. You are not a God in my eyes. You are a human and so am I and if I ever showed appreciation you didn't believe me or you didn't remember. Think about your need to have appreciation in excess. That says more about you than it does about me. I know I was appropriate with how I showed my love and appreciation. I know I showed it when I felt it.

Too bad everything you do comes with strings attached - the string of appreciation. That will not serve you well in life. When you give to a person, you have to be willing to do it no matter what you get in return. A gift is a gift, no strings attached. But according to you, if you do not get the right amount of appreciation in the right way, that you have the right to revoke that gift. That is not the way the world works, perhaps your world, a very lonely world.

Have I ever revoked anything from you because I didn't like what you said or did? No, I have not. That is not fair nor is it right. I would not have revoked this weekend even if you had called me all the names in the book. I may have wanted to, but I also have a bigger feeling that we need to meet face to face and discuss many things. The more we stay a part, the worse things get.

You say you have bent over backwards for me and that I have taken you for granted. If you see yourself as bending over backwards I am sorry for you. When someone bends over backwards, things happen. For eight months now, you have been sitting at work, bending over backwards for them. You want to look like a star in their eyes, so you can maintain God status with them. You work weekends and overtime and become very upset if someone should criticize you or look at you funny.

You seem to want to ride on the credit of all the "good" you do to cover all the things you don't do.

For just as much you say I don't see things about you, you fail to see things about me that are right in front of your face. If I say “thank you,” you say I didn't say it. If I say, “I understand,” you say I didn't say it. If I open myself up and reveal myself to you, you say it never happened. Do you know how crazy that makes me? I KNOW what I say and I what I don't. You cannot tell me, just because you are insecure and need MORE "thank you's", that it was never said!

You need adoration, admiration and appreciation beyond what most people consider normal.

I don't see how just a few days ago we were talking and having good communication and just two days ago you decided there is nothing more to say to me because you THOUGHT I was calling you a liar. Do you recall all the times you called me a liar? Probably not. Did I give up on you when you said that? No. And I will not admit or agree that is what I called you. You hung up before you could even check out what I could have possibly meant. You assumed something, ran with it and made a bad decision because of it. The VERY thing you have hounded me for in the past. When you do the same, you see yourself as justified. When I do it, I am simply wrong. How does one rule apply to you, but not to both of us? Sounds like a double standard to me.

Any way you slice it, you blew off a very important weekend for us. You made a decision that was detrimental and I hope you can live with yourself now. You have to live with that decision, because it came from you, not because I called you any names. I will not accept responsibility for calling you something I didn't, nor will I accept responsibility for a decision that you make out of anger and misconception. That is your problem, one that you will continue to deal with in your life. If you make such rash decisions, you have to be willing to live with the consequences of your actions, as you are right now.

If you say to me that you never want to talk to me or see me again, you better mean it. Or you should decide exactly what you do want. I am unclear what you want. If you chose not to explain that to me, consider there are consequences for not being clear.

We continued to go back and forth like this for several pages. We rehashed many things that occurred in the relationship. I focused on his inconsistencies, he focused on how unappreciative I was. His narcissism running rampant with comments about how much he had done for me, and so one. (In the end, all the "had done for me" was a lie, but I was yet to discover the details.) He turned things around on me at every chance and continued to be nonchalant about missing the very important weekend we had planned.

And yet, boys and girls, it was not quite over. I gave it one more chance. I put on my hair shirt, got out the flogger, and gave it one more chance. We planned another trip in June 1999. This would be the last flight he would ever miss.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 8

2006-05-14T19:47:00.000-06:00

The Beginning of the End

Although I didn't know it at the time, my 30th birthday in Key West would be the last I would see of my temperamental Lestat. Our relationship took a sharp turn for the worst. Surprisingly, it was not all the calls or e-mails from mysterious women, nor the narcissistic tantrums that lead to the final demise of our relationship...it was simply money. By now it was April 1999 and my debt was piling up. I was not working (due to the constraints of graduate school), and the expenses from the relationship were getting out of control. One month I had a $700 cell phone bill that my demonic lover promised to pay, but he never did.

I arrived to the month of April saddled with frantic panic. Quite literally, I did not know how I would survive the month. Where the money would come from to pay for rent, gas and food was beyond my comprehension. Lestat had promised to help me financially during this time, considering all I had spent on travel/expenses due to our long distance relationship. Furthermore, the long-distance nature of our relationship lasted eons longer than I had been willing to wait - we were suppose to be living together by now. If this had taken place as planned, my finances would not have been in ruin. In a moment of financial crisis, he promised he would send me money right away from his bank--he would make arrangements for a wire transfer.

The day the transfer was to take place, my demonic lover was in hiding. Answering his phone or pager, or returning calls was taken off his list of priorities. Why? Because it meant he would have to answer to me. He had to keep the upper hand by keeping me in suspense, anxiety high, and anger at a boil. Earlier in the day he said to me, "I am on the way to the bank right now." But after that he was incognito. Frantically, I spun into alarm mode. Why wasn't he calling me to let me know what happened at the bank? My bank denied receiving any sort of transaction that day. Later that evening I found him at leisure, on-line . Below is an excerpt of our IM conversation with my reflective comments in purple throughout:

**************
Me: hey there

Him: hi, done with your other screen names? (he was always accusing me of doing something devious, like being on-line under other names. No doubt he was doing this himself and was simply deflecting so I wouldn't catch on to him)

Me: what other screen names?

Him: Melanie (one of my best friends - the one he told about the "new" ring) said she was speaking with you

Me: Nice assumption...I was on the PHONE with her

Him: ha ha ha ha * it was a joke honey!!!!! Me: what are you doing? I have been trying to reach you all afternoon (I was furious. I had been trying to reach him all day, and now that I had found him, he was not addressing the pressing issue of the wire transfer)

Him: I am trying to maintain some sense of intelligence right now, today was not a good day (no shit, Shirlock)

Me: Are you home?

Him: Yeah

Me: Well I wont keep you from what ever you are doing. Melanie said you were online so I just came on to see if you were still here, but I don't really want to hang out here

Him: Me either. What is happening to us?

Me: not a discussion for AOL

Him: I think it can be to a point. I feel lost and lonely, kinda half and half

Me: I don't agree (about having a serious discussion on-line) so I will not engage you here. Im going now. If you care to talk to me in person you can call me (I had every intention of logging off at this point. I really wanted to set a clear boundary. I was so angry I could taste my rage. He seemed to be avoiding the important subject and he had a way of drawing me into negative conversations on-line so I tried to refuse...but I got sucked in again)

Him: why so mean

Me: because I refuse to have a serious conversation with you online. Please respect that. I would not make you have a discussion in a forum in which you were uncomfortable

Him: This is how we started

Me: and a lot of bad things have happened here too. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. If you don't respect that, that is unfortunate for me, but I will not have a serious discussion with you here. I am very stressed out about money and I am very worried about how I am going to survive and I was hoping that before you would go online you would at least return my phone call (you fucking bastard), but I suppose that is asking too much (you fucking bastard), so I am going now (you fucking spawn-of-the-devil bastard!!)

Him: what the hell do you think I am doing here!!!!!!!!

Me: i have no idea. This is why I don't want to discuss things with you online. I deserve a more personal contact with you, especially on matters that are very personal (you fucking bastard!).

Him: trying to figure out these EOC's (the wire transfers of my fucking money) and where they are. Next I blew off work for you today, and haven't been back which means I let a lot of people do a lot of my work for me. (Now he is trying to guilt-trip me by turning things around) I have ran from end to end of this city today. In traffic etc....bank to bank. I have not heard any messages (yeah right, you were just avoiding me you fucker) I have not stopped to check them (liar). And frankly, if you had no idea, you should not have assumed that I was wasting time (here he is being self-rightious and talking down to me as a way to control the situation and distract from the subject at hand).

Me: no I have no idea what you are doing right now on line (for all I know you are talking to all your other lovers right now, you sleazy MF). I knew what you were doing today. But after our last conversation where we got disconnected at the bank, I would have expected a follow up phone call on the outcome. What happened to yesterday's wire? what did the bank say? I left you messages at home and work and paged you.

Him: I haven't been back to work....I got a new phone and it has to charge before I can use it, I tried that and that is why it died (uh didn't you just say that you didn't check your messages as the excuse for not calling me back? Here he is clearly making up new information to explain why he didn't call me back. He would often make up stuff like this in the moment to cover his ass). Next, I haven't been home very long, and for all of that I deserve to be able to eat and sit down awhile. I am exhausted (oh poor baby...see how he likes to turn things around?)

Me: but you are here online... (yeah MF, if you are so fucking tired, what are you doing on-line stupid ass???) It just frustrates me that when you come home you do everything else except check your messages and then you wait to call me when you are much too tired to talk and when you are headed for bed (this was a pattern for him. Many many times he would call me late in the evening, claiming he had other things to do, like laundry, bills, etc. and then he was too tired to talk to me. He probably had another girl waiting for him in the bedroom and therefore couldn't call me back right away)

Him: I AM HERE ON LINE LOOKING AT THE EOCS JJEEZZZZ!!!! AND EATING AT THE SAME TIME. That is because I don't DO anything else but go to bed cause I am so damn tired.

Me: not true...you pay bills, you do your laundry...other things that you can do and talk to me at the same time

Him: yeah things that if I get on the phone with you wont get done....I have to do these things, I have no clothes, bills behind due to work.. hell they cut my phone off last night (or poor baby. Here again, he is introducing new information to keep me off his trail - some lie about his phone being cut off, but we had talked for two hours that night, so that makes no sense at all. His lies often made no sense. I think he used them many times just to keep me off balance and to distract me. It worked most of the time.)

Me: i was so relieved yesterday when you said you had gone to the bank and wired me some money. I felt relaxed and happy that you had taken care of that (finally you stupid fuck). Now I am back where I was, anxious, scared, depressed and trying to think of anything that will get me out of this jam. I don't understand all the road blocks that have gotten in the way. It doesn't make sense to me (because you keep lying to me and changing your story).

Him: things don't but I never give up.....I have it figured out.

Me: could you fill me in? (yes, please, if you had it all figured out, why wasn't that the FIRST thing you said to me tonight you stupid manipulative bastard?!?)

Him: you didn't sound to happy yesterday....I didn't appreciate your words earlier..I understand you are stressed. (I don't care if you didn't appreciate "my words". I am pissed you son-of-a-bitch. You made a promise that you didn't follow through on. A very important promise.)

Me: I am more than stressed, I am panicked. My credit is going to shit, a history I have worked hard to keep clean. My bills are going unpaid everyday that goes by and all my services will have to be terminated. My car will get repossessed, my computer too, I will lose the place I live and so on. Every day that I don't have cash in my account is another day that I think about those realities.

Him: you are going to a little extreme aren't you, your credit is not going to shit honey..trust me....it takes a lot more than that . (here he is distracting again...trying to get me to stop talking about the promise he made. He doesn't want me to hold him to the money).

Me: and its all my fault because I have made some very poor choices (yeah, number one poor choice was ANSWERING YOUR PROFILE IN THE FIRST PLACE AAAAAHHHHHHHGGGH!) you can say it isn't extreme because from your end you have it "all figured out." well, you have not shared that with me (MOTHER FUCKER) and no money has made it in my direction (as you promised). At this point I cannot count on that happening and the reality is, there is no one else that can help me (I HATE YOU!!!!)

Him: i don't really have stuff figured out (what the???? He just bold faced lied to me and I neglected to call him on it - shit!!) I am just working from the hip..it is that simple I am not speaking from some security blanket over here honey.....

Me: so now I have to consider if there is a job I can get NOW that will somehow get me out of this mess, but that will not fix the bills that need to be paid NOW

Him: sure you could I will get you out of this jam my love....your faith or lack of hurts me. (guilt trip again) I do and need to do more....so I will (yet another promise to be unfulfilled).

Me: that means you and I will not see each other at all and I will be more miserable than I already am. We talked about me not working...you and I discussed that. that was under the premise that you and I would be living together by now (remember? months ago you were suppose to move to my beachy town...months and months ago). What happened at the bank? you sill have not told me? (why do you keep avoiding the subject you stupid fuck? He clearly is deflecting and stalling.) why can't you just fed ex me a hand written check so we can be done with this?

Him: indeed I understand the premise we were Suppose to be working under, but we are not (and this is your fault because you are a big fat ugly liar) so that does us no good.

Me: if you continue to refuse to address what happened at the bank, I am going to be continually agitated and angry, so I will just leave you alone in that case (me again, in a moment of strength, attempting to set a limit, but I fail miserably).

Him: the bank is recalling the transaction..Recouping they call it. Your bank is a piece of shit for giving a rto to my bank the DAY AFTER the transaction...get a real bank honey....

He goes on to tell me that my bank did not do it's part in receiving the transaction so it didn't go through. Again, somehow I am to blame for all this because MY bank is a piece of shit. I then ask him when the money will be back in his account and he responds:

Him: I suppose or soon like tomorrow.....you know what tomorrow is

Me: May 13

Him: the day that you told me you loved me

Me: no, that did not happen until June (you are probably thinking of one of your other lovers, you stupid bastard!). The first time we talked online was at the very end of May. I have that documented. I said I love you on the phone a couple of weeks later.

Him: May June 13

Me: I remember the first time we talked online was AFTER I had returned from Memorial day and AFTER my classes were ended...it must have been June 13. We met in person on June 19

Him: ok that sounds right....we were corresponding in May though

Me: yes we were (this little side track down memory lane is again, another manipulative attempt to distract me and keep me off balance)

Him: so all that routing (of the money) has to be redone.

Me: well, is sounds like your bank is much more on the ball than mine so I am sure the $ is back in your account as we speak. So will you send me a check then?

Him: i don't know i have to check.....I will see, (what do you have to see MF?? just send me the money like you promised!!!)

Me: if you have the $ in your account, will you overnight me a check in that event?

Him: no

Me: why not? (I want to reach through the compute and snap his vampiric neck!)

Him: cause it won't do you any good, it will take three to five days to clear (not if you send a cashier's check you stupid MF!!)

Me: so you are going to try and rewire it? Your last check didn't take that long to clear

Him: it wasn't that much money Me: $1000 is a lot of money...enough to hold according to my bank...but they didn't

Him: ok
**************

Although he said "okay," he continued to insist on wiring the money instead of simply sending me a check. It never happened either way. When I looked back on this I had no doubt he was making the whole thing up. He never had any intention on sending me money - only said he would - as part of his conniving manipulations to keep me latched onto him. He often created elaborate scenarios such as this to ensure I saw him as angelic, as a saint. In this scenario he could appear to be the "selfless and generous boyfriend" attempting to "do his best" by sending me needed money. But when the "bank" failed to do the transaction, he could get mad at me for not appreciating his efforts. His tactics had no boundaries for the damage they caused.

My family helped me through the immediate financial crunch. However, the stress and emotional turmoil I felt as a result of Lestat's unearthly, satanic behavior left me feeling more depressed and anxious than I had ever felt. Layered on top of my already anxious and depressed heart, were his broken promises to come and see me week after week. Each plan to fly West was met with elaborate excuses as to why it couldn't happen. Numerous times flights were booked, then I would receive a call saying, "I missed the flight," or "the airline didn't have my reservation." Each time I was devastated, distraught, and emotionally ripped up inside.

The last time he missed his flight was the final straw. At long last, I had the strength to end the relationship. At the end, the truth of the relationship was fully outted, and the details of his exploits sent me spinning into emotional hell.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 7

2006-05-09T21:51:00.000-06:00

What?? Telekinesis??

Not only did Lestat have telekinetic abilities, he claimed to be psychic as well. These abilities manifested in several different ways. To this day, I don't know if they were artfully fabricated, or a true aspect of his being. Either way, it was strange.

By now it's March 1999 and my birthday weekend. He took me to Key West to celebrate my 30th. This should have been a happy landmark birthday, a happy landmark year. Instead it was the worst year of my life.

Key West was pleasant enough. We stayed at a bed and breakfast for a few days and ate fresh Key-lime pie that was the most delicious I ever tasted. We snorkeled that weekend, arriving to the precise spot by motor boat. Motion sickness took me over and I promptly heaved up my key-lime pie. Yuck.

Although the weekend was ideally idyllic, we found something to fight about nonetheless. About what, I can't even say. I simply remember walking back to the bed and breakfast overwhelmed and painfully frustrated by his irrational rants and spit-fury tantrums.

But what of these psychic abilities? This particular weekend included an interesting demonstration: he was able to, at will, effect the lamp from the across the room. He could make the light come off and on without touching it. Perhaps he had rigged the lamp to create an illusion of psychic abilities to somehow solidify his control over me? Perhaps, but I was with him 24/7 and he never touched the lamp. There were no other switches in the room. The lamp was not on a timer.

I observed this strange ability on at least one other occasion at the far beginning of our relationship. Again, we were in a hotel room. It was hot and summery, and the room was cooled by a swamp-cooler device that required manual operation: one had to physically turn the dials to activate the cooling or heating fan inside. We were in bed and the fan was off. The room was hot. He took one look at the unit, pointed, and the fan came one. This may have been a coincidence, but he did this several times in a row. The fan would go off, he would "will" it to go back on. He did this over and over. Perhaps he had rigged the fan somehow without my knowledge? I don't know, but these "tricks" were strange indeed and created a mystical air about his character.

He claimed to have other abilities as well, such as knowing what people were thinking and feeling. He would sometimes finish my sentences in an eerie fashion that left me feeling violated, like he had read my mental diary. The effect was unsettling. Perhaps his entire MO was to make sure I was constantly unsettled, constantly unbalanced. It worked.

On one occasion, he used this "ability" to accuse me of being unfaithful. We were just waking up in my bed, the sleepiness still fogging my mind when he asked, "what did you dream about?"

"I don't know," I responded. I hadn't remembered any dreams from that night.

"Are you sure?" he accused. His tone was sinister, his countenance dark.

I began to feel afraid that I was doing something wrong, but what? How could a dream get me in trouble? Well, I was about to find out.

"You dreamt about him!" He said, very self-assured.

"About who?" I asked, truly confused.

"About someone that you want to be with."

"What?? I don't know what you are talking about!"

He continued to insist with full confidence that I had a dream about a man that I was interested in, and it was not him. He even gave a description of this man, a description that did not even fit recent past boyfriends. I felt completely helpless. How could I convince him that I was not cheating in my dream?? This was preposterous! I had no recollection of any dream, but did that matter? He claimed to be able to see my dreams, whether I remembered them or not. Either way, I was stuck.

As he persisted in his absolute knowing of my inner dream life, his rage billowed as my sense of self diminished. His complete irrationality left me confused and compelled to explain that he was incorrect. This only made things worse. Every time I responded to his rage or absurd behavior, I reinforced it by defending myself. When I defended, I looked guilty to him, therefore proving that he was right about my sinful ways.

But what of the weekend in Key West? That weekend, although speckled with telekinetic tricks and par-for-the course tantrums, would be the last time I would ever see him. This was not the plan, however, because the relationship still had plans for me: plans to devastate me further while eventually revealing a fuller picture of the truth of my demonic lover.

This weekend simply marked the beginning of the end.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 6

2006-05-07T16:10:00.000-06:00

And Then the Police Showed Up

After I received my new and improved ring, the waters were cooled for a while. Although by now it was February 1999 and my money was slowly running out. The financial strain of this relationship was taking a toll on my bank account. I had very little money as it was, being in graduate school. I was living off of student loans and had part-time work here and there, but due to my program requirements, I had very little time left for a good paying job. The ruin of my financial life from this demonic relationship comes in a later chapter.

There were plenty of surprises left for me in this relationship. I never knew what was going to happen next. The bizarreness of each strange event left me feeling trapped in an episode of the Twilight Zone, or some bad and endless dream. The most current Twilight Zone episode started plainly enough: I was visiting my Beloved in his humid southern town for a long weekend.

It was late in the weekend and late in the day: twilight when the sun casts bluish lavender rays through windows creating a dreamy, quiet tranquility. We languished in this twilight enjoying a few hours of lovemaking and sleepily snuggling. A harsh and rapid pounding woke us from our spooning slumber. A few seconds of what sounded like panicky knocking on the front door was followed by a loud crack and a crash. Someone had just busted in the front door of the apartment!

Lestat shot out of bed like a predator cat, pushing his finger to his lips demanding my silence. "Stay in here!" he commanded in a hissing whisper. Soon I heard muffled voices from the other room and could make out words like, "hello?" and "Police." The police had just broken down the front door!

I wasn't sure what to do next. Obviously we were not in danger, because it was the police for God's sake, so why did he insist that I say in the back? Vampires can be so irrational sometimes. I tried to listen to the conversation between the Undead and the police, but I couldn't decipher the words. I decided to disobey the order I was given and I entered the living room. Sitting on the couch was Lestat, flanked by two uniformed officers. They took one look at me and stopped talking. The officer closest to me shot me an uncomfortable glance then looked back at Lestat. I sat down and asked what happened.

The uncomfortable looking officer explained in very vague terms: "Someone called us very worried. They said they had been calling Lestat all weekend but he did not answer the phone. Because his car was in the parking lot they thought something bad happened to him here in the apartment. When we get a call like that we have to respond because someone could be hurt inside their home with no way of getting help."

I asked who made the call, but no one answered me. I looked questioningly at Lestat but he denied knowing who it was for sure. Somewhere in the conversation with the police, I thought I heard reference to a "she" of some kind.

After the police left, Lestat attacked, "I told you to stay in the bedroom!" His eyes shot beams of rage. Why had I disobeyed him so?

I insisted on knowing who had made the emergency call to the police. Who would be so worried they would have the police break in? Who of his friends did not know I was in town that they would think something bad happened when he didn't answer the phone?? My questions went on and one, but he deflected each one. He finally settled on a male friend of his who was "messing with him." Lestat explained the two of them had a recent falling out and perhaps he was trying to make him mad. He tried to shut me up by insisting he would take care of the problem when I went back home.

Although I wanted to believe this, I didn't. I heard in the conversation earlier "she" and knew that it must have been a female that made the call. Was it the Villainess from New York? Was it Amber? Was it Jaimee? Was it someone else entirely?? Were they trying to reach him not knowing that he wouldn't be answering the phone because he was screwing someone else?

Each time his phone or pager rang that weekend, he ignored it claiming it was work calling him. "Work" would often call when I was in town. Sometimes in the middle of the night. "Work" would page him often as well: if he didn't pick up the phone, then his pager would sound a few moments later.

I left for home that weekend with no clear answer on what really happened. The ugly feeling in my stomach continued to fester. I continued to shove it back down like swallowing back vomit. For moments, days or weeks at a time, I could distract myself from the ugly feeling. Lestat would also help by being a really good lover, or by doing fancy tricks that would dazzle me.

"Fancy tricks?" you ask. Well, haven't I told you yet about his telekinesis??

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 5

2006-05-03T20:50:00.000-06:00

And Then I Found the Ring

Remember the ring that my demon lover tossed at me on July 4? It turned up again, much...much...much later.

Originally, he took the ring back because it was too big for my reed-like finger. It was a thin gold band, with about a 1k diamond. He told me a month later, "I have taken the ring back to the store and have actually started looking for another stone." He made sure to brag about this every chance he got. He even told one of my best friends he had changed the setting and that it was a completely different ring. So where was this new ring?

Well, in true Lestat fashion, he bragged on and on about how he had something special planned for me to give me the ring. You know, something well-thought out and romantic for the official, "will you marry me?" moment. This was the reason, that although the NEW ring was already obtained, I had yet to see it. Each visit that took place between the July 4 weekend and the present moment of this chapter (about 6 months later) left me questioning, "Where is the ring? Why hasn't he done the special thing he had planned?" Each time I went home disappointed and wondering, "what's the fricken hold up?!?"

On the visit in question, sometime in January 1999, I was with my temperamental Lestat in his home town. We had pulled into the drive through of the local pharmacy for him to fill some random prescription. He asked me to help him find the slip, so I began rummaging through the papers on the floor of the car, as well as the passenger glove box.

Inside the glove box I saw a familiar shape nestled in between papers and other junk one finds in a glove box: a dark blue velvet ring box. This was the exact box that was flung at me six months earlier. I scanned the Undead from the corner of my eye: he was busy rummaging himself and was paying no attention to me. I carefully peeked open the blue velvet while it rested in it's place. My pulse quickened as I glimpsed what I dreaded: inside the blue box was the ORIGINAL ring.

I paused a few moments to collect my thoughts and devise a plan of action. I would ask this magnificent liar about the box and see what he would say. Clearing my throat I said, "What's this?" In my hand I held the closed blue velvet.

He stopped his frantic rummaging, spied my possession, and calculated his reply, "That's none of your business!"

I tried to remain calm, "What do you mean, none of my business. This is my ring!"

"Why aren't you helping me find my prescription!!" he exploded in a spit-flying fury.

"What is a $10,000 ring doing in the glove box of your car??" I retorted. This amount, was the supposed cost of the ring, so my beloved told me months earlier.

"This isn't a dangerous town like where YOU live! You can leave things like that in a car!"

"You told me you returned this ring and got another one!" I wasn't going to let him take me off the subject at hand.

His rage then catapulted to megalithic proportions, "You fucking bitch! Here we are at the pharmacy trying to get my medicine and all you can think about is that ring?? I can't believe you! Is that all you care about??" His insults and guilt trips spewed forth from the depths of his demonic soul, leaving me thrashing and clamoring in dark emotional muck.

Stunned. Disoriented. Confused. The rest of the ride back to his place was a blur. We were in a screaming match getting out of the car and heading to his apartment. Up the steps, still yelling. I had enough. With not much force, I shoved him. I should have shoved harder. He stumbled back. He did not fall down. He did not get a scratch or a bruise. Now I had given him an excuse to REALLY attack me, because now I had physically abused him. The rest of the evening was spent processing his feelings of being physically abused by me and how horrible a person I was.

He elevated himself further above me in his grandiosity by explaining the presence of the old ring in his car, "I was embarrassed. I didn't mean for you to see that." He somehow convinced me that he never actually said he took the ring back to the store, only that he PLANNED on doing so and that I clearly misunderstood him.

The next time I saw him, which was about a month later, he gave me a new ring. No special plan. No romantic set up. Nothing.

"You were so upset about not having the ring. I just wanted you to have it, so you wouldn't be upset anymore." he explained. His voice accusing me of not appreciating what I was getting.

The new ring fit, and it had a 2.5k diamond. I was surprised by the size and secretly wondered to myself if it was real.

"When I was looking for a new diamond," he explained, "I saw this one. I told the sales ladies, 'how could I get a ring any smaller than the amount of love I have for my honey?' and they just loved me for saying that." He was clearly impressed with himself, and was clearly impressed by his ability to impress perfect strangers about his love for me. It seemed his vampiric tendency to weave a perfect picture of himself was not only limited to me, but to non-essential strangers he would never see again in his life.

I cracked a forced smile, trying to look as though I was validating him. Inside I had an ugly needling that wouldn't go away. I wanted him to be that man he said he was, that man in the store, impressing the giggling sales clerks. Inside I knew he was something else entirely.

And then the police showed up.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 4

2006-04-30T18:52:00.000-06:00

"And Then I got the 2nd Phone Call"

All of you are saying, "didn't she have enough abuse to get rid of him by now?" Well, apparently I hadn't. Remember this was 8 years ago. I actually HAVE learned from this experience, but there are so many juicy stories from that time, if I had kicked him to the curb sooner, then you all wouldn't be entertained.:)

The 2nd phone call arrived during Thanksgiving. A message on my phone said, "Hi BlueLoverGirl, this is Amber. Maybe Lestat has told you about me. Anyway, I have not heard from him in a few days and thought he might be with you. He and I were suppose to go to Orlando for Thanksgiving. We made reservations a while back. He is not at his house and I can't find him. Please call."

I was SOOOOO tempted to call her. But I didn't. Instead, I deferred to the Undead once again. Without a blink he explained, "Oh, Amber, she is a friend of mine. I don't know what she is talking about with Orlando. I don't even like Orlando." He insisted that I not call her.

In true Lestat fashion, he puffed up his ego, and said, "She is really fat and unattractive. I am not interested in her at all. She did have a crush on me, but it never developed into anything. She is a really good friend, though. I talk to her almost every day."

"Why haven't you told me about her then, if she is such a good friend?" I asked with dramatic exasperation.

"I don't have to tell you everything. Do you tell me about all the friends you talk to?" His anger starting to build.

"You know about all my close friends and you have met them. I have not met this Amber... and you talk to her all the time?"

The picture he drew of Amber was very unappealing and desperate. I let the shroud of illusion cover my vision once again, and bought into the story. Life went on as usually between us for the next month. I am sure he was quite relieved I let this one go so easily. But there would be others.

His manipulations had no end to their creativity. He loved to punish me for not being available (by phone) when he dealing with an alleged emotional crisis. On evening I was attending a holiday party at a friend's house. He called me on my cell phone sounding very upset. He had a fight with his mother, and needed my emotional support. He sounded needy, distraught, irrational, crying. I tried to comfort him, but what could I do? I was 3000 miles away, and at a friend's party. His anger began to boil, "how dare you have fun without me!"

Why should I be so surprised these words were spewing from his bloody mouth? He insisted on abusing me from across the United States, 3 time zones away. I was an insensitive and unfeeling person that I would be with friends and having fun while he was home, by himself and in emotional pain (over something I could do nothing about).

My friends looked on in pity, but didn't know what to say. Surely they wanted to wring my neck and say, "This guy is the most controlling, abusive, insecure, and pathologically narcissistic man we have ever known." But my friends just let me have my experience. They were there for me nonetheless.

Soon the air began to cool to a chill 60 degrees in my beachy town and it was time for Christmas. Yes, boys and girls, I spent the week with Lestat for Christmas in his home town. I was in for yet another emotional upheaval.

We spent a lot of money on each other that holiday. His living room was brimming with presents from each of us, to each other. This part was fun. The rest of the week was like visiting the 9th Circle of Hell.

Lestat would leave for a few hours at a time, claiming he was going to work. I took this opportunity to do some snooping. While not at heart an untrusting, snoopy-type individual, I had become one as a result of all the strange events during the course of our relationship. I checked his temporary internet files on his laptop to track his websurfing activities. I found recent hits on another on-line dating site. I actually managed to log into the account he created on this site ( I used a password that he would likely use - I guess he didn't think I was smart enough to do this). I found recent messages to and from women including invitations to meet in person. His most recent log-in to the site was now! The time he said he was at work!!!!

My hands began go shake. Adrenaline heated my skin and flushed my neck and face. I created an bogus account on the site to bait him. I sent him a greeting from the fake account and waited for a response. I would not get one before his return home that day. But I did find something else.

In his kitchen drawer was a love note/greeting card from yet another woman. This was not the villainess from New York, and it was not Amber either. This was a name I had not yet seen, "Jamie."

The card read, "Last week was so romantic. I really loved being with you. I miss you so much. I hope we can do it again soon." The card was dated in mid-July and referred to a week in which I had been unable to contact my beloved. During that time he neither answered his phone or responded to e-mails. Remember, he has asked to marry me on July 4th!

Armed with these two bits of evidence I was ready to take this vampire down. I prepared what I would say to him when he returned home. I planned on remaining calm and level headed, to avoid a violent blow-out as we had done so many times before.

Upon his return, I sat him down and told him what I had found. First the letter. He denied this was a recent letter and was written well before I knew him.

"Then what about the date?" I asked, sure I had him.

"She must have dated it incorrectly!" he spat. "And why are you going through my things?" He quickly threw the letter in the trash.

"Okay then, what about this?" I explained the on-line dating account with recent activity from today. He looked stunned, but I remained calm. He actually didn't abuse me this time. He begged me to believe him, "Someone must have set up an account in my name to mess with me! I don't know anything about that website!"

"Then how would you explain the links recorded ON YOUR COMPUTER in your temporary internet files?" I asked, calm still.

He continued to assert it wasn't him. He didn't do it. He then got up, put his hand to his head and walked slowly to the bedroom. "I think I am going to have a seizure." He then fell to the ground and began to twitch violently, the same routine as before. This time I called 911 for an ambulance.

The EMTs arrived and I explained what happened. I told them we in fact were not fighting, but had a very intense discussion when he went into a seizure. They tried to calm him but nothing worked. One of the EMT's commented, "I have never seen a seizure like this before." He had given the Undead a tranquilizer that only seemed to slow him down a bit, but not all the way. They transported him to the hospital. I followed in his car.

Again, I told the doctors what happened. They put him on a heavy dose of Ativan and told me, "This is not a real seizure - it's caused by stress." Well, there goes the Gulf-War Syndrome theory!

I was so tempted to leave him at the hospital, pack my bags and escape. This would have been the high road. But as per my usual pattern, I took the low road and stayed. I managed to get though the remainder of the holidays without completely falling apart. I was utterly blinded by his expert trickery, and continued to be placated by every story, excuse, and lie. Then I found my ring.

"Lestat" 1998 Chapter 3

2006-04-28T16:03:00.000-06:00

"And Then I Got the First E-Mail"

When I opened my e-mail sometime in October 1998, my stomach flew into my throat. Inside was an anonymous message from someone who would not be identified, but only said hurtful and incriminating things about my beloved. Again, as with "the first phone call" the e-mail contained intimate things only an intimate would know. My mind spun: "Why wouldn't this person tell me who they were?" This made me more suspicious of the content and more likely to believe the accusations were untrue. It felt as if someone was deliberately trying to tear us apart. I had never experienced such viciousness from a third party.

I immediately told the Undead and he denied every single thing. He was a master at weaving cover stories and creating illusions that were believable (or at least, I wanted to believe them). Remember, a vampire's true talents lay in his ability to spellbind and create a picture of exactly what he wants you to see. He convinced me this was probably someone out to hurt him or us, because they were jealous. Perhaps this was the villainess from New York still trying to punish him for not wanting her. He painted her as crazy, vindictive, psychopathic. I chose to believe again.

While attending one of my classes in graduate school, I spilled my distress over this recent incident and my instructor asked me with true concern and empathy, "do you really want to be with someone who attracts so much craziness and negative events?" Of course the answer in my heart was no. At this point, my pride was on the line. I couldn't give up. If I did, that would mean I was wrong for choosing him in the first place; that I should have let him go at the first phone call.

Not long after this, I discovered another piece of evidence. I was checking my computer's temporary internet files and discovered some unfamiliar websites . When I clicked on the links, they were on-line dating sites, with specific links to various women, pointing out the trail of the person who had used my computer for this task. I checked the date of the links. They coincided with a visit from Lestat. He had used my computer during that time. In fact, he had been surfing the net and looking at other women while I was getting ready in the shower just 10 feet away. He seemed almost daring me to catch him.

Without hesitation, I confronted him. He knew he was caught, but minimized it. "I was bored," he said with a sneer. "I wasn't talking to any of them. I was just looking." He oozed scorn and distaste at my mistrust of him. He had an expert skill of turning any focus on him around to attack me, leaving me confused, hurt and feeling like the "bad guy." It would be quite some time before I could get clear headed enough to really see how he was twisting and turning reality.

He had another confounding technique of distracting me: when we were fighting (which was often), I would write heart-felt e-mails about my feelings and concerns. His only response to me for weeks at a time were of poems or flowerly language, and NEVER responded directly to my concerns. One of his poems was addressed in the "anonymous" e-mail. It claimed that the poem in question was authored by someone else, that Lestat had stolen it, and used it on many other women. I used the link and found a website which did indeed include the poem which was penned by someone I didn't know.

Yes, I told my Lestat. He simply said, "Someone stole my poem!"

He wrote me hundreds of poems. I have no doubt each one was forged and used to seduce many other unsuspecting on-line females. I simply shoved my fears back into that dark corner. But they kept piling up. So much so, that the dark corner was overflowing with clutter that I could no longer ignore.

My demon lover came home with me for Thanksgiving 1998 to meet my parents for the first time. He was mostly cordial, polite and pleasant with my father. His short stature, did not match his mildly cocky and defensive attitude, however. I cringed at moments when I sensed his bristling under my father's downward gaze. Although my father can be intimidating, he wants what is best for me. He has a way of "interrogating" any boy that I might be serious about. He might have sensed at this first meeting that this new boy was in disguise: a sheep in wolf's clothing.

This family holiday actually went quite well. Until I got the second phone call.

Oh...And Then There Was the SEX! (Lestat 2.2)

2006-04-27T18:51:00.000-06:00

Did you know that an otherwise horrible, grotesquely boring, insanely abusive, or just downright retarded relationship can be sustained FOR AT LEAST 5 YEARS when the sex is mindblowing, symphony-hearing, or otherwise just plain W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L? Yes boys and girls, now you know the reason why we can't stay away from each other...its because if you make us see stars in the bedroom, we are more likely to forget all your wicked ways outside of the bedroom.

So, this is yet another reason I didn't leave "Lestat". He wasn't tall...about 5"10" in his shoes, (this is what I call a "just-my-size guy") but he had a you-know-what the size of a baseball bat! Holy-moly! I fell outta my panties the first time I saw it, but happy it was not in proportion to his stature.

Now, ladies, we all know that a man with an over-sized love tube doesn't guarantee that he knows how to use it. Some men with big dicks get cocky (eh hum...excuse the pun) and never learn how to please a woman, thinking they can get buy with the "glory of the girth." Well, in Lestat's case, he had both quantity AND quality.

Even though he was was the spawn of Satan, he new how to grove and move in the bed room...and in the bath room...and in the kitchen...you get the idea. He was interested in my pleasure right from the start: he was patient, diligent and made sure I was satisfied every time. This is every woman's dream come true. Now, who would want to give that up when so many men could care less????

I know, I know...this does not make up for his demonic tendencies. Even the Undead like to please, I guess.

So he blew my mind in the bedroom. The more we fought, the better the sex was. At the time, it was the best sex I ever had. I felt completely taken care like never before. I think there is a chemical reaction when a woman has an orgasm. This reaction causes our brains to melt so that it is impossible to see the faults of the man producing the ecstatic state. This chemical reaction is the cause of our emotional demise, because we will put up with just about anything to feel the exquisite euphoria a lover can produce.

Ah...just makes me sigh thinking about it.

But I must slap myself back to reality and get on to Chapter 3.

Let's Pause For Reflection - Lestat Chapter 2.1

2006-04-25T22:20:00.000-06:00

Before we move on to Chapter 3, you might be asking, "Why did she stay with that creep-a-zoid so long? Didn't she have a clue?"

The honest answer is yes and no. Yes I had a clue--from the first phone call. And no, I didn't heed the clue. The better question is, "Why didn't I heed the clue?"

That requires a more complex answer. Some people call it karma, some people call it co-dependency, some people call it low self-worth. What ever you want to call it, this is the reason. I seemed to be irrationally drawn to him, and irrationally willing to stay under terroristic circumstances. Why would I do such a thing?

If we explore the karma angle, you might say that in past incarnations Lestat and I knew each other, and through our past relationships, we created karmic debts that needed to be balanced. In other words, I may have been the "bastard" to him in a previous life and so now, he was playing that role for me to balance the books. That is a rather simplistic explanation of how karma might be at work here, but you get the idea. This means that if karma was the driving force behind our relationship, I would not be able to leave him until the "debt" was fully paid - (or until I really got the lesson behind the experience).

If we explore the co-dependence angle, you could say that because I grew up with an alcoholic father (although he was never physically or emotionally abusive), I developed relationship patterns of co-dependence early on in life. Why? This is what happens in alcoholic families - the non-addict family members begin to "emotionally cater" to the addict because of their unpredictability, emotional instability and erratic behavior. In this case, one could say that Lestat was the "addict" and I was "emotionally catering" to him out of habit and an inability to see the sickness of my ways.

If we explore the low self-worth angle, you could say that the reason I stayed with him in the face of glaring evidence that he was a raging pathological liar and sociopath, was because I didn't think highly enough of myself to leave him. Why would this be? The question of self-worth has perplexed many hard working and successful people who struggle in love-relationships. Why can I succeed in the other parts of my life, but not in love? often becomes the question. One might say that I learned, probably early on, that I felt unlovable and did not deserve to be loved. This would also be the result of faulty upbringing and lack of attunement on the part of my parents.

No matter which angle you like, I chose to believe that the relationship had a purpose that had yet to be revealed to me and that I had to stay in order to learn something much more valuable about myself, about love, about relationships, about life. I know that is no excuse to stay in an abusive relationship, but it does help to make sense of it after the fact. I know I should have left him at the first sign of trouble, yet I was compelled by inner forces to stay and ride the roller-coaster again and again until I REALLY got the message.

More reflective ideas will occur later on. Now let's make way for Chapter 3.

"Lestat" 1998 - Chapter 2

2006-04-24T20:33:00.000-06:00

Then I got the first phone call. On the line was a thin voice with a New Yorky twang. She claimed to know my Lestatquite well...oh QUITE well...TOO well in fact. She described intimate details that only an intimate would know. My heart sank in my gut and hot blood exploded through my capillaries all the way to the tips of my fingers. Could this be a hoax? In my attempt to have full disclosure with my beloved, I put the villainess on the speaker phone for him to listen in.

She described a ring that he had shown her as some sort of future promise of marriage. "He left me here in his apartment to come see you," she said, her voice sincere with a faint crack. She sleuthed her way in discovering me by scrolling his caller-ID. She talked on and on and all I could hear was the blood thumping in my ears.

When the conversation ended, I faced my beloved with an expression of "well? What do you have to say for yourself???"

He quickly gave a cover story, putting the villainess in her place as someone who was lying to get back at him for not wanting her. He chided me for questioning him. He looked at me with contempt and disgust for believing at all he was not true. In classic Lestat fashion, he dramatically flung a ring box at me and exclaimed, "And I was going to give this to you this weekend!" He looked hurt, dejected, eyes wide with, "how could you question me??"

We argued well into the night. I desperately wanted to believe him. I NEEDED him to be real, to be the man he said he was. How could the man I loved be such a grand liar and such a sophisticated, well-calculated two-timing monster? Faced with the inner conflict of believing him or believing me, I took the low road and slid my fears into a dark corner where I hoped they would simply vanish.

I accepted the ring, although the sizing was too conveniently big for my size 5 finger.

"Oh, I will get it fixed," said Lestat with empty eyes and a "let-me-convince-you" vampires grin.

He took the ring with him. It would be quite some time before it would reappear.

For the next two months we flew back and forth as usual. We fought often. He verbally abused me at every chance. On the phone he railed at me, "Fuck you!" and threatened to hang up. His threats of abandonment were common at this point. Each time we saw each other, he would pick a fight with me and threaten to leave. His rage was justified in his accusations that I was cheating on him. If I said a kind word, he accused me of making up for doing something wrong. I couldn't make a move without being assaulted with venomous suspicions, threats, and verbal punishment. Each visit or phone call was an emotional free-fall that left me stunned, confused and disoriented. But I had yet to see his true talents of destruction.

On one particular visit I was exposed to a vicious tantrum like no other. We were on the couch relaxing and I was cuddling one of my roommie's cats. Although they were not technically my babies, they were my step-babies and I loved them just the same. During the entire week-long visit, Lestat (who must fear cats at his core, perhaps because they can spot the undead a mile away) had been whining about the cats, couched in "don't-take-me-seriously" humor.

He said "Cats are worthless and have no purpose. I hate them!"

After all his "jokes" about my step-babies, I had enough, so I said in a very matter-of-fact voice, "I don't like that."

In classic Lestat fashion, he hissed and recoiled in anger at my admonition. He suffocated me with his rage in a clamorous rant that I was "disrespectful" and "didn't listen to him." In the midst of his tantrum, he exclaimed, "Fuck you!" and "I'm leaving!" To my surprise and mixed feelings of dismay and desperation, he didn't leave that night. But I was left with the open gash in my heart to remind me of his vengeance. Again, I was stunned, confused, disoriented. I didn't call him on his bluff: I took the low road and failed to push him out the door in a victory dance of "good riddance!"

As if all the fighting, tantrumming, and psychological abuse weren't enough to firmly plant me in the darkest depths of low-self worth, I experienced a shocking and sickening manipulation at the hands of this twisted (though gifted and brilliant in his technique) sociopath: he staged a gran-mal seisure as a way to deflct any responsibility for pain he might be causing me.

He was out to my beachy town for the weekend and we were talking things over. I told him I couldn't take the verbal abuse any more. He blamed me for things, continued his tirade about the possibility of me cheating. Somehow, I managed to take it all in without having another escalation...until the night before he was to leave.

Yes, another argument ensued. A childishly stupid argumrmy. My temperamental Lestat was feeling rejected. In his twisted version of reality, I had condenscended and ignored him . In the middle of his valiant attempt to teach me how bad I was, he decided, with arms flailing, and with a pouty stomp to the other room, "I don't want to deal with this any more. This relationship is over!" His insolence was only overshadowed by his magnificant refusal to budge. In that moment, he was a personified asshole of glactic proportions.

I tried to understand, really I did. I just wanted this latest tempest to be over. For several hours, he refused to tell me why he was so upset. What had I said or done, exactly, that was so condescending? He spontaneously channeled a 13-year-old primmadonna (which sometimes vampires can do) and said with nose raised high, hip cocked to the side, and arms defiantly folded across his chest, "I shouldn't have to tell you. You should take a closer look at what you said to know the answer."

We forayed until 5 in the morning. He was scheduled to leave on the 7 am plane. My anger was draining all motivation to care anymore. His threats to leave, his irrational running away, his skill at seducing me into such a conflict, actually sunk lower than my lower-than-low self-worth. For a true instant, I let all the energy of love I might have had for him slip away in a wispy, breathy shroud taken up by the wind to be lost at sea. In a truly victorious moment, I said, "Okay, lets go to the airport."

But he had other plans for me.

He sat on the bed with his head in his hands, "If he don't calm down I am going to have a seizure."

In my perplexity, he explained he had been seizing as a result of Gulf-War Syndrome (yeah right!). Within a few moments of my agreement to let him leave, he seized. He froze spasmodically: his legs and arms formed rigid fleshy boards and he foamed at the mouth coughing up a white froth. He refused to let me call an ambulance, and so I simply sat with him. I held him for over an hour until he was calm and could sleep.

The next morning I was prepared for the worst. At the very least he would pick up where we left off and leave this relationship in a cloud of dust and destruction. Instead when he awoke, he was happy, loving, and innocent. He even made love to me. Although I somehow agreed to the satanic act of screwing the undead, I was hesitant and confused about his complete change of demeanor.

Turned out he didn't remember a thing about the night before! The entire argument and surrounding events had been cleanly wiped from his mind. At first I didn't trust him, but as I retold the events, it was clear he really didn't remember, or just wanted me to believe he had no clue.

I was in a fog of smoky doubt and confusion. I felt uneasy being with him the next day after such a crisis; after absorbing all his hateful wrath; after telling me he never wanted to talk to me again. And yet in another breath he could say he couldn't and didn't want to live without me. Slowly he began to remember bits and pieces. His disappointment in me grew as his memories returned. The intensity of his hate was gone, nonetheless. It seemed as though we were back on track. Then I got the first e-mail.

Why so many men? & "Lestat" 1998 - Chapter 1

2006-04-23T20:59:00.000-06:00

I started asking myself that question in my 20's, but justified my choices with youth: Wasn't I suppose to be wild? Wasn't I too young to settle down? Wasn't I too naive to know what I really wanted? When my string of diverse and uncommon lovers bled into my 30's, I knew self- justification was no longer an option. Although my first bedpost notch arrived at the tender age of 15, I have not slowed down. And what do I have to show for it, but plenty of heartache. Well...There are the stories of the men themselves that breezed through my life like a train of dusty cowboys passing through a hollow ghost town, where the tumble weeds are the only sign of life. Turns out the ghost town is my love life, and the tumble weeds are the dried up remnants of what I had hoped love would be for me.

Although my romantic ghost town is in a sad state of affairs, there is no reason not to share what I have learned, gained, and yes, regretted and resented. These stories have begged to be told--oscillating in my mind as I turned them over one by one, futily ruminating the who, what, when, and how. Now...where shall I begin?

All names have been changed to protect the guilty!

While it might be very exciting to start with the most recent cowboy (he isn't really a cowboy, although, and I have never dated a REAL cowboy), I think the contrast from now to the past is much more stark, and a lot more fun.

"Lestat" 1998

The Vampire Lestat is one of my favorite tales. I have read all of Anne Rice's books, including every single one of her vampire chronicles. Her early vampire stories are about an impulsive and self-indulgent Lestate who loves love and is swept up by passion and the archetypal battle between good and evil. I fell in love with this character.

As a child I was intrigued by the vampire myth - the romantic and magical wonder of being spellbound under a powerful lover. I too longed to possess the same power over a mate--the ability to render a man incapable of resisting me thus guaranteeing adoration until the end of my days.

In 1998 I began exploring on-line dating and came across a profile of a young man who lived 3000 miles away from me. My initial reaction was to pass up his profile: who needs a long distance relationship? I already had my share of exasperating and ultimately draining long-distance love affairs. I had sworn off the complications of mating over miles. My curiosity compelled me to explore this young man nonetheless. His picture captured me under a powerful spell: he donned a white frilly shirt and cascades of golden curls flowed to his shoulders. He looked very much like what I imagined Lestat to be.

All my fantasies of forever-love came crashing over me in an instant through the pixels of a photograph. I had to know this man. And know him I did. We began dating and quickly made plans to spend the rest of our lives together. We seemed to have so much in common..our likes and dislikes seemed eerily connected. Even our beliefs about god and spiritual things were completely in sync, or so I thought.

Traveling back and forth from my western beach to his humid southern town became our regular routine. Oh, the plans we made, and the promises he showered upon me. Would I go with him to Jamaica? Would I help find a place for us to live near the beach? Could I love him forever? My Lestate, in his adoration of me, had me completely engulfed in unquestionable devotion to him. His vampire seduction worked wonders on my adolescent need for unconditional love.

A few months after we met, he visited me on a hot and sunny 4th of July weekend. We talked of marriage and his plans for moving across country. He told me of a job near my breezy beachy town he had secured well before our on-line encounter. Then I got the first phone call.